Ok you know that Australian speed skater who won gold because he was in last place but everyone in front of him got into a crash and he won? I think that might be tumblr
You Might Also Like
Mom: Some scary old lady keeps FaceTiming me.
Me: Mom, turn your camera around and she’ll go away.
Meanwhile, at the local farmer’s market…..
WIFE: how’s dinner
ME: these mashed potatoes are dank
WIFE: is that bad or good
ME: …
WIFE: …
ME: I don’t know
Make sure your blind date from the internet has a big car. Nothing worse than a trunk with no leg room.
It’s not as serious as some of the parents in the elementary school pick-up / drop-off line seem to think
“PARTY FOWL” someone yelled as the drunk duck did another keg stand
Our cruise ship’s movie theater is showing Titanic. That’s a foreshadow, right?
who called it a birthday instead of an am-iversary?
[airplane intercom]
good afternoon ladies and gentlemen this is your captain speaking why did you leave without me
“Are you good and hard for me yet?”
– me boiling eggs
“Don’t be a stranger,” I say, having already forgotten the name of the person I’m talking to.
CAT: Hey, sorry about puking on your pillow
SCHRÖDINGER {busy}: Yeah, whatever
CAT: So uh…what’s the box for?
mood
The child that I carried in my uterus for 9 months & suffered through 13 hrs of labor for just asked if he could have my pickle.
Hell. No.
him: is it true you eat 8 spiders a night
me: yeah they say most people do
him: but they’re usually asleep
me (crunching): semantics semantics
him: you have a leg hanging out of your mouth
Somehow I missed my turn into my driveway and ended up at the pub few blocks over
me: it is lonely at the top.
therapist: yes, but why is it written under ‘ describe your sex life?’
turtle after a first date: want to walk me home well this is me
The toddler has started to understand more of my BAD language. So my swear words have become a bit more PG… Fudgesicles! Oh Sugar! Sweet Nibblets! Holy Guacamole!
Basically, swearing now makes me hungry.
Me: I don’t think I like it here
Demon: yeah well that’s kind of the point
I was definitely that mouthy preteen girl that told my dad’s girlfriend she’s just a girlfriend for NOW, while I’ll always be his daughter.
well, guess what, Brianne?
Happy 25th anniversary
Tell Dad I said hi
Well son, in the ’90s, there was no drooling emoji. You had to show up at a girl’s door and actually drool.
my daughter has been thrusting her stuffed animals in my face for me to kiss, but I’m being very selective so she learns to have standards
I’m “befuddled to learn that people make money on YouTube by just reacting to other people’s YouTube videos even though my son has explained this to me many times” years old.
My daughter complained we were out of snacks so I lifted the couch cushions.
When I have sex with someone I high Five them.
*slaps hands together.
“We have nothing to fear but fear itself.”
-People who have never seen a flying cockroach
Everyone at this whistling convention looks extremely suspicious.