Just because I’m smiling doesn’t necessarily mean that I like you. I might be picturing you on fire.
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*slips the attendant $20* “make sure you pick me out a good one”
Sir this is a daycare…
“uh huh *winks* a daycare”
PILOT: Welcome to flying school. Any questions?
ME: Is it possible to crash into a rainbow?
PILOT: Yes it’s how most of you will die. Next?
no bro, *you* live in a society. I live with my parents
Grey’s Anatomy is actually one of the best existential horror artworks ever made. It chronicles the 20 year desperation of a single woman – Miranda Bailey – to get her coworkers to stop ***king and killing themselves for long enough to save anyone’s life. She never wins.
me: *pounding on son’s locked bedroom door* open up this instant! this is my house
son: no it isn’t, you have a mortgage so it’s the bank’s house. have someone from wells fargo come and tell me
me: [to wife] i knew we shouldn’t have gotten him those personal finance books
vegetarian: i’m a vegetarian
every mother-in-law: so do you eat fish
My seven year old reported to me today that the tooth fairy wasn’t paying him a fair wage compared to his peers and claimed that all his friends earn a liveable wage from tooth loss
me: 11 can you come here
11: am i in trouble?
me: …no…but…should you be?
11: no.
me: sus.
How many glasses of wine equals two servings of fruit?
Asking for a friend.
Why does toothpaste drop off your toothbrush so easily but then turn into a type of thermosetting polymer that’s impossible to wash away?
me: [dancing in a well lit area]
Bruce Springsteen: absolutely not
accidentally left edibles for santa and came downstairs to find him trying to watch pink floyd on my toaster
Inventor of the Number 1 Pencil: Surely you will be the most popular pencil!
You found a baby spider in here?
-Yeah, but only one.
*Googles avg # of spiders hatched*
*eyes widen*Just. One?
[Never. Sleeps. Again.]
35% of all hospital deaths are caused by the attending physician failing to yell “Don’t you die on me!” at the right moment.
DR DOG: *applying a cast to a broken bone* Are you sure you don’t just want me to cut it off?
“It’s possible to touch birds!” I say suddenly. My coworkers stare at me. I wander outside to touch some birds.
Him: The ceiling is dripping water!!
Me: No, that’s just God crying.
*panics thinking about the ice castle I built for my stolen penguin*
pretending to have read books in a conversation: setting yourself up for embarrassment, corny, ontologically evil?
saying “oh yeah never read it but i’ve heard really good things”: yo who is this mysterious woman who hears things? her informational ecosystem seems lowkey robust?
Don’t worry little groundhog, when I stick my head outside and see what’s going on in the world today I run back inside and hide too.
Shoutout to all the ‘Hi’s in my message requests. I admire your imagination
A website for religious potato chip lovers…Christian Pringle.
Wife: an asteroid is on it’s way!
Hubby: Did you order that from Amazon too?
Ironic
{my first day as an art critic}
this painting tastes like shit
Wife: WHY ARE YOU STANDING IN THE KITCHEN NAKED.
Me: Who cares? I’m on a conference call. No one can see.
Boss: Rod can you mute your phone please.
where did you get them pants?
[wife goes to answer but stops then narrows her eyes] you’re not going as me for halloween again are you?
*[at the sperm bank]*
I’ll have a cup of Joe, please.
How does my kids bathroom always look like a crime scene where someone was murdered with toothpaste