Just been banned from my church’s Easter service.
Apparently the first words Jesus spoke after emerging from his tomb weren’t “Ta-Daa!”
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i’m cautious about following people back these days because i follow when they look normal and next week they’re banging horses
[grabs mic during TED Talk] They’re towing a BMW in the parking lot
*crowd goes apeshit*
Otters drive ottermobiles.
It’s ironic that someone would take their last 5 seconds of life to call me middle aged.
Sephora employee: “you have 70000 points, you can choose from any of these things”
Putting on the ‘Best of Owl City’ playlist when I want to kill three and a half minutes.
You can lead a horse to water but I don’t know why you’d want to do that when there are infinitely cooler places to hang out with a horse. Take them out dancing. Go rock climbing. Change it up. Don’t let things get dull. Part of love is constantly surprising each other.
Normal Bar: Hey bud we can’t let you in here with that pocket knife
Renaissance Faire: Here’s 32oz of meade and a bow & arrow go crazy
My son, Luke, loves how I named all my kids after Star Wars characters.
My daughter, Chewbecca, not so much.
Just tell people you have a podcast, nobody’s going to check.
*watching smart car washed away in a flood on the news*
If it was really smart it would know how to swim.
[at dentist]
so your X-rays look grea-
*phone rings*
hold on
*on phone* a new engine? jesus, ok
so as I was saying you have several cavities
When my kids ask me anything before coffee
date: So what do you do?
me: *pulls out stuffed fox* I’m a taxidermist
date: Oh wow
fox: and a ventriloquist
1st date:
(don’t let her know how self centered you are)Me: what’s your favorite thing that I’ve said so far tonight?
[Barnes and Noble]
CASHIER: anything else?
ME: four barns and your finest noble please
CASHIER: get out
“I’m going to enter you now,” I announce to an elevator to the bewilderment of everyone who is already inside. A lady clutches her purse.
Always be kind to people, you never know who may own a boat.
Wake up, kids! Bees can’t even read, much less spell. IT’S A SCAM!
Cop 1: You think Simon will escape?
Cop 2: Nah, he’s locked up in there good.
Simon: Simon Says free me.
Cop 1: Dang it, he got us.
At the doctor they asked me how tall I was and I said 5’5 (which has been on my drivers license for my entire life) and the nurse said “hmmmmm” then measured and you guys I AM 5’3!! My entire life has been a lie.
Welcome to Passive Aggressive Club. We all got here early, but you just take your time.
My mom accidentally killed my boyfriend this weekend. She didn’t recognize him when she was canning pickles.
You can have a child or you can have a phone charger. You can’t have both.
As I get older and continue to meet new people… I realize that swallowing should be more of a thing.
EDWARD SNOWDEN: I can help determine the writer of that anonymous op-ed
TRUMP: What op-ed?
EDWARD SNOWDEN: Not much, what’s op with you?
My mama always said: “If you can’t say anything nice, try to mumble it under your breath…”
[Worm sitting alone]
WAITER: Dinner for 1?
Dumb question
W: But-
*worm cuts self in half*
*waiter shrieks*
2nd WORM: I’ll have the prime rib
JUDGE: how do you plead
ME: Whats the one where you killed a ton of people but you don’t want to tell anyone
JUDGE: not guilty
ME: that one
The “Beware of Cat” sign posted outside my house doesn’t seem to be having the desired affect.