Just before a Subway employee starts making my sandwich, I’ll stop them and whisper, “Like you mean it.”
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If I was stuck on a desert island with only one record, I would want it to be the record for being able to swim the farthest.
Friendship Test:
1) Is it OK if we never speak?
2) Do you have a healthy and completely rational fear of octopi?
3) Can I borrow $800
Me: Guys, enough with the trash talk. Who called this meeting?
7 raccoons on Zoom:
me watching old game shows: why are they giving away luggage sets. what a dumb and bad prize
me in 2022, today: why are suitcases $900
Me: *calls* How are my kids?
Grandma: We’re having so much fun
Me: Maybe they can stay with you a few extra-
Grandma: Come get your kids.
‘THERE IS NO SHOUTING ON THE BUS!’ she shouted.
If I were the tooth fairy I wouldn’t leave any cash, just a note that says I’VE TAKEN YOUR TEETH
magician: who wants to volunteer to get sawed in half
[raises my hand]
magician: and then… put back together
[lowers my hand]
I put my height in my tinder bio and 6 men unmatched with me…..i’m gonna break into y’alls houses and put all the remotes on top of the fridge
I’m gonna create chaos in my neighborhood by putting giant bows on all the cars the night before Christmas.
People said I was wasting my time playing Tetris, but here I am, loading the dishwasher like a beast.
“Welcome to McDonald’s, how may I take your order?”
“Begrudgingly, I would imagine.”
[first day as a lawyer]
CLIENT: you’re fired
ME: was it my opening rap or the –
CLIENT: mostly the skipping, yes
Waiter: how would you like your steak cooked.
Me: like finding out the person you’re talking to in your DM’s is actually single.
Waiter: I’ll ask the chef if we can prepare it that rare.
Important Valentine’s Day PSA:
Sure, we all think Cupid is cute, but you should never teach babies archery. If you think crying is annoying, just imagine a tantrum with flying arrows.
Be safe. If they’re under three, melee weapons only!
If covid had hit in 2007, there would be 1000 tweets a day saying “Covid has to isolate after being exposed to Chuck Norris.”
If you eat a king crab you are automatically in succession for the crustacean throne.
U know the 1960’s movie “The Birds” about an onslaught of thousands of flying creatures? That’s me when I open the Tupperware cabinet…
Wanna come over? I have pizza and toilet paper
‘Black Swan’ is on HBO 2 if anyone wants to watch Natalie Portman masturbate in front of her stuffed animals.
Prayers for my husband who texted back “k” when I said “Happy Anniversary, hoping for 25 more years!”
12: Alexa is so annoying! I have to say everything 5 times before she does what I want her to do.
Me, looking at the full garbage that I asked my son to take out 4 times: I know the feeling.
Mugger: give me everything you got
Spice Girls: Oh tell me what you want what you really really want
Mugger: ok nevermind
Just think: right now, your body is cookin’ up some poop.
I want to open a restaurant for divorcees but I can’t think of what to name it other than fed ex
I consider myself Christlike in that I refuse to believe my parents ever had sex with each other.
I hope my husband never gets Alzheimer’s but if he does, I imagine my favorite part will be saying “I gave you one yesterday.”
[the next jurassic park movie]
ATTENDANT: Oh no the dinosaurs have escaped again!
ME: Why do people keep coming here…?
It’s weird how opposites attract, like red wine & a new shirt
I haven’t been laid in so long that the Pope is laughing at me.