Just bit into a Pop Tart so hot that it caused me to involuntarily perform the falsetto “ah-ha-ha-ha-” intro to Stayin’ Alive
You Might Also Like
If I vaped, I would 100% become a ninja so I could disappear into a cloud of strawberry watermelon.
hey friend,
the list of things you texted me that you’d do for a Klondike bar has me concernedlet’s talk
Me: You take my breath away.
Pollen: lol
Quarantine Day 31: I joined a Facebook group where we all pretend to be ants in an ant colony
They’re really bad with fonts.
After it’s spent a hard day protecting my phone I take my OtterBox off. I rest my case.
I tried that whole “if you love something, set it free” thing but my kids are still here.
Your leftovers looking at you from the back of the fridge as you order Postmates again
GHOST (rattling cupboards): OOo oooOooOoo
*family screams*
SECOND GHOST (screwing and unscrewing a lightbulb): what the hell are we doing Frank. they’re good people
I bet you could move to the UK and start calling people a, “bleeding tea cozy mop ringer” and it would eventually catch on
The brownies I started making in my Easy Bake Oven in 1987 are ready if you guys want one.
Screw you haters who are honking at me as I tweet, paint my nails, and drive. You’re just jealous that I can multitask.
my mom always told me not to wear long skirts because they make me look short. ok lady, first of all i am genetically yours and homegrown in your womb. i only turned out to be 5’2”. this is not the skirt’s fault
Um my neighbor is operating a wood chipper …. at night👀
Free tip for home invaders: literally everybody with an iPhone6 is out at brunch right now
Kid comedians are all like “any of y’all ever had parents? Shew God, let me tell y’all about parents”
The IRS just called me so I wired $5000 to their office in Pakistan just like they said so I hope that solves everything
professor x: what’s your superpower
me: I make text look like faces
professor XD : what?
professor x: whats your superpower?
ostrich: i lay big egg
professor x [telepathically to x-men]: i can save us money on breakfast
ostrich [telepathically]: egg no for sale
A fortnight is equal to 14 nights. Unless you live in a fort; it is equal to one night. Fort math is only complicated to non-fort dwellers.
When a cop asks you to exit your vehicle, it’s not so he can take a selfie with you.
I know this now.
You know, if you keep a pie in each hand, you can’t accidentally touch your face.
13- My hormones are coming in!
Me- What?
13- My chin is growing hairs like you
If you call all the priests “daddy” you don’t have to go back to church.
Of course he’s into you. He’s just super-duper busy, messaging other chicks.
Apparently If ur BF says “if anything happens to me,I want u to meet someone new….”
“anything” doesn’t include getting stuck in
traffic.
obliviously driving m y car through chernobyl , absorbing lethal anmounts of radiation while looking for cute girls
Thoughts and prayers for 17 who had to walk 10 minutes to school today without music because her second pair of airpods died and I refused to buy her a third pair.
what’s the proper waiting period after your spouse is kidnapped until you can resume watching your Netflix shows without it being a thing
HER: [flirting] I bet you have a lot of skeletons in your closet.
ME: Haha no. Those bodies won’t show their skeletons for months.