@funnybeachgirl: Just blew pot smoke on the huge spider hiding in my shower. I figure if I do this a few more times, he'll be too stoned to attack me.
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@LosLos__: Cleaning a house while toddlers are in it is like brushing your teeth while eating Oreos.
@allthatisbecca: I knew I was in trouble when the lady doing my nails shouted "WHO DO YOUR EYEBROW?!"
@sofarrsogud: WHAT I SAID: Woah! You look like Tina Turner on meth. WHAT I SHOULD'VE SAID: Good Morning Honey.
@adultblackmale: [i walk up to a woman wearing headphones and take them off her and put them on] nice this song rules. what? sorry, can't talk. headphones on