Just blew pot smoke on the huge spider hiding in my shower. I figure if I do this a few more times, he’ll be too stoned to attack me.
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I don’t always sleep well, but when I do, it’s 5mins before the alarm goes off
My washing machine at noon: “I will gently wash these clothes.”
My washing machine at midnight: “I WILL WASH THE HELL OUT OF THESE CLOTHES!!”
Daughter: I drew a picture of you
Me: where’s my big muscles?
Daughter: *looks at me up and down* good question
Dear women with cucumber slices on their eyes… you’re using it wrong.
Flirt with him. Drop down and pick up your asthma inhaler. Look back, readjust your glasses.
°pulls up to drive-thru°
[ME] ONE NUMBER 4 WITH A COKE
[FREIND] aren’t you on a diet
[ME] oh yeah..AND A BOOK ABOUT MANNERS FOR MY FRIEND
I came home to a trail of bread leading to the bedroom & of course I followed, only to find my husband in bed with 10 ducks. I’m heartbroken
I am a mother, of course I talk to myself. I am the only one in this house that listens.
found this sweet little abandoned chocolate lab at the park today
Parenthood has taught me that you can ruin someone’s day by asking “did you brush your teeth?”
it was extremely windy last night and my boyfriend couldn’t sleep and I woke to find him on the wikipedia page for Wind
Caught myself talking to my dog and felt pretty dumb.
I totally forgot that I’m pissed at him for forgetting my birthday.
Excuse me, the movie Inception, you’re gonna tell me you had like 10 people jumping between levels of everyone’s subconscious and yet there were ZERO sex dreams? Uhhhh that’s a damn plothole my guy!!!!
Me to 8: Please stop growing bigger
8: YOU stop growing bigger
And just like that, a sweet moment was ruined
i hated what my teen was wearing today so i told him i loved it and it looked “dripping bruh”. he changed. follow me for more parenting advice
“I love the Fall, the trees are so pretty”
It’s fall??
“Ya, so what?”
[leaves start attacking everyone]
OMG THE LEAVES HAVE TURNED
Her: If you hear something in the woods, you tell me. if you hear something in the water, you tell me. But under no circumstances are you allowed to take off your blindfold.
Me: All this just because you forgot to pack your makeup for our camping trip?
If you really wanna honor the spirit of 2017, instead of kissing someone at midnight, push them off a bridge
Librarian: Shhh!
Me: Shh!
Librarian: Shh!
Me: Shh!
Librarian: *glares at me*
Me: Look lady, I can do this all day.
wife: what’d you do today
me: [ate an entire block of cheese] I kept our son from eating an entire block of cheese
That walk of shame when you fail at throwing a ball of paper into the garbage.
Just been to the gym and there’s a new machine. Only used it for an hour, as I started to feel sick. It’s good though. It does everything: Kit-Kats, Mars Bars, Snickers, etc.
The pinnacle of parenthood is when you switch to Chuao Chocolatier Spicy Maya Dark Chocolate Bars, because you know the kids won’t touch them.
#TakeMyAdvice Don’t let Mom trim your hair.
My GF found lipstick in my pocket, I admitted I’m cheating… I don’t want her to know I’m selling AVON.. I want to eat my money in peace
why try to flirt with someone who leaves you on read when you could be enjoying some soup instead
I get a kick out of people who think because I make Americana music I’m supposed to dress like a damn horse repairman or some shit
Who called it a witches’ coven and not a hex trafficking ring?
– What have you come as?
– A Werewolf.
– But… they’re your normal clothes.
– It’s not a full moon.