Just blew up my daughter’s beach ball by mouth & I’m afraid this beach ball would not pass a sobriety test.
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When my daughter is alarmed she says what the fridge! And I’m cool with it.
In the movie Speed, Keanu saves the passengers thanks to a gif
a bottle of cyanide labeled GHOST PILLS
My daughter has decided instead of drying off with bath towels, she prefers sheets, and I love her and promised to never stamp out her individuality, but no.
Why is sugar SO addictive, and broccoli is just like, “I’ll be here when you need me”
The robotic urge to ask humans to prove they’re not robots.
Salesgirl: [handing me makeup samples] here are the freebies we promised you!
Me: [wearing my brand-new beekeeper’s suit] …oh
*email notification*
“Ooh, who’s this from?”
– Me reading an email I sent to myself literally 7 seconds ago to remind me to do something.
Moved the bed for the first time in years and found 47 hair ties, a toy steak, and the lost city of atlantis
My dog just tracked and successfully located a folium lanceolatum, more commonly known as a leaf.
Objects in motion tend to resent objects on the couch not in motion.
Man texted: “I want you to be my little angle.”
I answered: “Do you want me to be obtuse, right, or acute?”Two days have passed, no reply.
All women want is to have a relationship with an intelligent man. The only problem is that intelligent men don’t get into relationships.
I only make mistakes when I’m around people who are observant.
I’ve said it before. If Clifford was a Big Red Cat, everyone would be dead.
I’ve banned my kid from his X Box today so he’s gone to a barn on the outskirts of town to dance out his frustrations.
I now know why they’re called the wee hours of the night
Honey, do you think if we met now instead of 15 years ago, we’d still marry each other?
{turn to see husband shaped hole in the wall}
[1st Day working at Hotel California]
Guest: Id like 2 check out
Me: Sure! Youre all set!
G: Thanks! [Leaves]
Boss: Can I see u in my office
If chickens ate human eggs we’d probably be in some kind of chicken war.
Cheaper than online shopping and less horrible than online dating.
Twitter.
My time has come.
The cool thing about being broke is you can tell your friends you aren’t drinking for a while & they think you’re getting your shit together
Me: The unstoppable march of time is what I fear most. Each year feels shorter than the last, and in no time at all I will be an old man on my deathbed, full of regret and impotent pleas for mercy.
Also me: wtf you mean it’s only Wednesday
Did I tell you about the time I knocked down a kid with my bag on purpose? No? One time I knocked down a kid with my bag on purpose.
No need to write it down, I’ve a photographic memory
*looks hard af*
*pukes polaroid*
I think I married someone else’s soulmate. I wish they’d come get him.
I think I might have a shower.
*checks*
Yes, I have a shower.
I’ve now had my account locked and been forced to change my password so many times it is up to: password1234567