A disloyal friend will shank you without hesitation, but a really good friend will think long and hard about it and then shank you.
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I am all good here, 😂😉
[at Waldo’s trial]
Judge: Jury, how do you find the defendant?
Jury: We the jury find the defendant by looking in the top left of the page
Finding a hair in food that you’ve just prepared at home is certainly disconcerting when you’re bald.
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over
Me: no sir
My Parrot: hell yea I love driving 86 mph without a seatbelt! my name is phil jamesson
Tired of actually helping? Try prayer
You can only push me so far before I breakdance.
[Therapist’s Waiting Room]
ME: you’re gonna bring up that I always try to predict the future aren’t you
WIFE: yup
ME: I knew it!
my daughter told me she has a crush on a guy who plays a drug dealer on a show and i’m like oh you get that from me.
My skin is so dry it’s doing a PowerPoint presentation
girlfriend: I’ll have the chef’s salad
me: [whispering] babe that’s so rude, just order your own
Me: You should have been more specific
Wife: When I said fill my car up, obviously I meant fuel
Me: ok that does make more sense
12: So Paul and I are going to the mall today can you drive us and probably just gonna hang and we might be meeting up with a few guys from school just like you know 12 and can you take all of us and you can take us early—
Me: Breathe
12: I am
Me: I meant me
Yeah, I experimented in college. I tried beet chips.
Please be on notice:
From this point forward, I shall tweet exactly whatever autocorrect provides.
I’m sorry if that isn’t exact whet you were expectorant.
Genie: And your second and third wish?
Me: [just killing it on banjo now that my fingers are slightly less fat than they used to be] No need
King: For the last time, what’s your SURNAME?!
Sir Name: *staring, eyelid twitching in frustration*
Once a 7-year-old said he’d come at me “with the fury of 1,000 angry geese” during a game of tag & I never felt more threatened in my life
I’m glad I learned about parallelograms instead of how to do taxes. It’s really come in handy this parallelogram season
The only good comments section online is on recipes
Just changed the vacuum cleaner bag and I’m feeling pretty handy.
Let me know if you want me to fix your transmission or your hadron collider.
There used to be many different names for the childhood game of knocking on doors and running away. But these days, it’s simply referred to as ‘being an Amazon driver’.
Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.
My dog: I won’t go outside because it looks damp.
me: so… you want to come back to my place? *bites bottom lip*
her: don’t bite my lip
Do you ever eat a mint and then take a sip of cold water and it hurts your teeth and then all your teeth fall out and they form a pentagram on the floor and the lights shut off and your ears start ringing and the ringing turns into an explosive roar
If we dated before I turned 18 you’re not my ex. You’re my childhood friend.
ME: hey boss it looks like I bit off a little more than I could chew
MORTICIAN: you’re so fired
*shaking head* I can’t tell which news stories are real or are April Fool’s Day pranks. I mean, you could say “Aliens have landed & have demanded to talk to the whales” & I’d just think “So 2022.”
Things changed for the better for Harry and Ginny’s marriage once they mastered the difficult “Turgidic Maximus” charm
EDWARD SCISSOR HANDS: I’m gonna kill you
EDWARD ROCK HANDS: not so fast
EDWARD PAPER HANDS: Looks like we’ve got a real Mexican stand-off
I was able to secretly eat an entire candy bar with my toddler in the same room so the CIA should be hiring me any minute now.