Just bought a telescope and the eldest asked if I’d be doing horoscopes.
Yes.
Leo: You will be written out of someone’s will.
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for christmas I got the cat a plastic yellow gun that shoots soft fluffy balls for her to chase which she loooves. anyway it’s so funny now when she’s being a pain & we need to distract her one of us will say “cat won’t stop trying to eat from my plate. pass me the gun”
Met someone who was born in 2001 and they had the nerve to lie and say that they’re not 2 years old.
ME: How do you spell ‘inferno’?
BOSS: What?
ME: I’m writing an email
BOSS: Oh my god, the building is on fire!!
ME: Yeah, that’s probably a better way of wording it
Nice romantic weekend with the husband.
Me: Babe I just took my sleeping pill you have about 15 minutes to get some.
Husband: My stomach is bothering me from dinner.
Me: Ok goodnight
History Channel, 1995: Here’s some things that happened
History Channel, 2005: Here’s some things that could have happened
History Channel, 2015: Here’s some things that realistically never happen
History Channel, 2025: Here’s some aliens that restore ice road trucks for war
My wife is not satisfied with my assurances that the spider is dead. I must also produce a death certificate, pictures from the funeral and the names and addresses of next of kin.
shit! I’m going to be hairy late!!!!
[Sloth Job Interview]
Sloth Boss: How would you describe yourself?
*2 hours later*
Sloth Interviewee: Quick-thinking.
If you love Batman, let him go, because Batman Returns.
me: how’d the date go
friend: i got ghosted
me: wow that’s crazy how did the pottery turn out
“bro it doesn’t work like a boomerang”
-my friend before getting knocked out by a flying croissant
[Yelp Customer Review]
Bill’s Wild West Saloon
Tasty food served in giant sheriff’s badges. I give it ate out of tin stars
Show me your nuts.
Show me you’re nuts.See how important the “you’re” “your” thing is?
What about a To-Don’t List?
The only reason i’m not practicing bungee jumping is because i refuse to be weighed.
Me: I’ve lost my kitten
Cop: How would you best describe him?
Me: He looks like a miniature cat
i want to work in this restaurant
When I see people running to catch the elevator I’m on I yell “HURRY! YOU GOTTA SMELL THIS!”.
ME: *as a surgeon* What’s the worst that could happen? Your nose buzzes & we put all the pieces back & start over…Where are you going?
What’s the game you play that when you lose you never regret it?
Russian roulette.
Does the steam hitting me in the face when opening the dishwasher door before it’s drying cycle ends count as a spa day.
Cause I think it does.
I used the word pizza six times in my marriage vows.
Got thrown out of Joann Fabrics for asking for wife material.
This day in history. 1887. A farmer in Montana claimed he found a 15 inch long snowflake and his wife said that means it was about 3 inches.
whenever someone in a movie yells “the portal’s closing!!!!!” i’m like ok but you’ve never seen it before so how do u even know
Just told my dog to say goodnight to his brother, the houseplant
Pretty sure the guy infront of me at McDonald’s ordered the rest of the food.
“I just died in your arms” sounds much more romantic than “You’re holding a dead body.”
{first day as a dermatologist}
DOCTOR: what brings you in today?
PATIENT: psoriasis.
DOCTOR: hey if your peepers are hurting you should prolly see an optometrist, fella.