Just bought Colgate mouthwash ’cause it builds stronger gums and someday my gums might have to lift a car off a baby.
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I believe we’re entering the ‘training for hell’ phase of summer.
Him: Are you crazy crazy, Craigslist crazy, or institutionalize crazy?
Me: Yes
They didn’t want anyone Trick-or-Treating last night, so I went Christmas caroling.
got three hours sleep & i fell great! seems li the less less sleep I get the move alarr et u ambdcim
Arranged to pick something up on facebay. On way there they text to say they’d sold to someone else. Stalked their profile until they posted they were in search of something. Said I had it. When they turned up, I told them I’d just sold it someone else instead.
I always wondered how Neapolitan ice cream was made…
another car tip: once a month, open the hood and rip out one thing. most of the engine is decorative and weighs down your car
Thank so much for putting the empty cereal box back in the pantry. Now I get to have disappointment for breakfast..
WIFE: remember to pick him up at 5
ME: ok
[later]
ME: [dropping 3-year-old son off at daycare] see ya in 2 years, bud
Seems legit
[flirting with Jesus]
So…is there a queen of the Jews
Mom, can I have another piece of pecan pie?
“You mean MAY, not CAN”
Ok, mom can I have another piece of pemay pie?
Each time my husband yells for the Warriors an angel (me) uses his credit card.
You can even hide a dead body in Terms & Conditions, No one will ever know.
I let my 5 year old talk me into playing kickball-basketball, so now I’ve got to explain this bloody nose to my wife.
At my age, “getting lucky” means being able to find my car in the parking lot.
[algebra class]
KID: This is so stupid
TEACHER: You may need it in your job
KID: What job?
TEACHER: …
KID: …
TEACHER: Algebra teacher?
A Parenting Mad Lib:
Why is there ____(adjective)____ ____(noun)____ all over the ____(noun)____? If you don’t stop ____(verb ending in “ing”)____ and clean it up by the time I count to ____(number)____, I swear I’m going to ____(empty threat)____!
Told my father a joke on our last call. He no longer wants me to visit in July.
My boyfriend wanted a serious relationship so we stopped smiling at each other.
*ding*
This is your captain speaking. We… Is this what my voice sounds like? Nobody told me! Haha, wow, weird. We’re out of fuel.
There are two types of people in this world. Those who make fun of Wordle. And those who can solve a Wordle.
5: if you take a shortcut in a food maze, it’s not cheating it’s eating
Bigfoot is real… or rather he was real and quite delicious.
marriage counsellor: so what’s the problem?
me: i don’t know
my ‘friend’: i’m tired of you trying to keep our marriage a secret
What if all countries have ninjas, and we only know about the Asian ones because they suck?
Quotes to calm an angry woman:
1. Stress makes you fat.
2. My ex never acted like that.
3. I love you, even if you’re just like your mom.
[ IDEA ]
An alarm clock where Samuel Jackson just keeps yelling at you until you get up
me: no shoes in the house
murderer: sorry
BATMAN: *struggling to escape from chains*
RIDDLER: Not so fast, Caped Crusader! You have to solve my riddle first! *sneaking a look at his son’s math textbook* If one train leaves Pittsburgh at 8am traveling at 65mph…