When people tell me “You’re gonna regret that in the morning” I sleep in til noon, because I’m a problem Solver
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You say pervert with a telescope. I say biological astronomer.
Hey kids! Make your voice heard this election day by hiding your parents identification! (Not applicable in some states)
The main reason I don’t own a gun is because I would shoot people who scare me when they sneeze.
[in the world of chess]
kings: here’s a sword
bishop: what do i do with this? i can’t even run straight
He paid me $150 for the “girlfriend experience,” so I went through his phone then locked myself in the bathroom, sobbing inconsolably.
Raiders sequel: Temple of Doom
Daytona Speedway: Temple of Zoom
Flower garden: Temple of Bloom
Bridal chapel: Temple of Groom
Clothing factory: Temple of Loom
Demolition site: Temple of Boom
Funeral home: Temple of Gloom
I will do some shady shit for a mocha.
Thank goodness I have DoorDash for that!
are there any atheist mantises?
My uncle Terry told me not to worry, that love would find a way, but on the other hand he once took a shit in a hammock
(Raising my hand) When this is all over will I be able to go down to the bar, have a few drinks & meet some attractive younger women?
My wife: For the last time NO!
My husband pissed me off so I made him his favorite chocolate chip cookies and used black beans instead of chocolate
My boss told me to start every presentation with a joke. The first slide was my paycheck.
Me: *looking at spider in my bathroom*
Spider:
Me:
Spider:
Me: so, are we gonna do this superhero thing now or do you want me to flush you?
getting my 4yo to sleep is just a simple 85 step process
Engineer: A short circuit in the deer’s nose could cause it to glow red hot. Yes, it’s dangerous.
But should we recall, the most famous reindeer of all?
wife: it looks too tight
me: it’s fine, let’s just go
[ten minutes later paramedics have to cut my turtleneck off after I pass out]
Just for fun, I think I’ll get fitted for a casket and just use it as a coffee table until the big day comes.
Mammals for $500 Alex
“Slow moving mammals that spend most of their time sleeping & eating”
What are sloths?
“Wrong, What are coworkers”
My webcam business is failing, it’s like men would rather not pay to watch me cry.
*gets down on one knee*
Wow, you really suck. Why can’t you be more like the other knee?
my therapist challenged me to get out of my comfort zone so i stopped watching tv in the living room and switched to the basement
If you have streaks of purple, green or blue in your hair, I will try to eat that cotton candy off your head until you tell me to stop.
DECORATOR: Now I’ve finished the job can I come over and take some pictures?
ME: Of course. I’ll miss you too.
DECORATOR: I meant of my work
In hell, your mouth is always freshly brushed & minty, and all they have to drink is orange juice.
i don’t want to get up. i want to stay in bed until the day my grandson wins tickets to a chocolate factory
It only looks like my kids are having popsicles for breakfast, Brenda, those are clearly frozen smoothies
Every time you reply to a text from your ex, Taylor Swift completes another album.
Don’t be an enabler. Drop the phone.
I know we are supposed to be worried about AI but I’ve been watching my Roomba throw itself off the stairs every single time I’ve ever used it I think we’re OK for a minute
dream jobs:
• soup reviewer
• seer who prophesies your doom
• old lady who solves crimes in a little english village
• old lady who COMMITS crimes in a little english village
Me: I’m starting my diet today
Husband: I’m picking up some fried bacon wrapped shrimp. Do you wan–
Me: I’ll take a hundred