@delmolition: Just bought Rosetta Stone for Starbucks.
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@weinerdog4life: Sex is a lot like Mario Kart, you go really fast, you throw some bananas, Wario is there.
@CorkyCrash: I'm happiest when people tell me "Don't be a hero" because there's absolutely no way I'm going to disappoint them.
@daemonic3: [trying to impress fiancée's entire family] Waiter: Your bill for- Oh I got it! [looks at bill & spits wine] WHO ORDERED THE "SUBTOTAL"?!?