Just broke my very own personal record of most consecutive days without dying.
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People who hate candy corn love telling you.
Husband: she bit me
4yo: No I didn鈥檛
Me: how did Daddy get this bite on his arm?
4yo: his coworker
Instagram: look how pretty everything is
Facebook: look how easy everything is
Twitter: look how painfully funny everything can be if you just actually look at it and be honest
Tiktok: look at how dancing everything is
Based on how I startle when toast pops up, I will never look cool walking away from an explosion.
*God, watching me lying in bed while eating a pile of doritos I spilled on my chest*
probably could鈥檝e just made that one a mollusk
Recipe: prep 10 mins, bake 30 mins
Reality: prep 2.5 hours, bake 1 hour, order takeout instead.
[jogging]
brain: let’s talk shall we
me: ok
brain: are we being chased
me: no
brain: are we chasing something
me: no
brain: so wtf are we doing then
heart & lungs: we also have questions
*travels back in time*
*follows Albert Einstein*
*waits for him to trip*
*yells “Way to go, Einstein!”*
*returns satisfied to present*
Calling in stupid to work tomorrow
“Bob is coming over for dinner.”
Bob from work or Bob the giraffe?
*there’s a knock at the upstairs window*
me: how much gas do i have?
car: empty.
me: ok but HOW empty?
Me *looking at 50 caskets in church* this is weird
Waldo’s wife *dabbing eyes* it’s what he would’ve wanted
Kid: I don’t like cheese
Also kid: why isn’t there cheese in my sandwich?
Microdosing being a pigeon by delivering a letter.
oh cool you can play this toilet on hard mode
Hiring Manager: How do you see yourself moving up within this organization?
Me: I’d use the elevators
Hiring Manager:
Me: Elevators, Sir.
[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the Hulk hands at home tomorrow
To the max.. 馃槀
Sound on
Even getting salmonella from cookie dough would not convince me that you can get salmonella from cookie dough
I took up MMA to see what I’m made of.
It’s blood…I’m made of blood.
*carefully examining the markings on a reticulated python as it squeezes me to death* just as I suspected. this is definitely a snake
You can do whatever you want to do in life as long as you live in a Hallmark movie
[fancy restaurant]
me: isn鈥檛 this dim lighting so romantic?
moth date: [shrugs]
Fun like a LinkedIn notification
MURDERER: *chasing me* YOU鈥橰E GOING TO DIE!
ME: *yelling behind me* WE ALL ARE!
How do you stop Canadian bacon from curling in a frying pan?
Take away its tiny brooms 馃Ч
Them: you smell so good what is that?
Me: bleach
FB post from HS friend on pic: My boyfriend is such a dreamboat!
My comment: So was the Titanic.
When asked what deceased historical figure I鈥檇 like resurrected to be my dinner companion, I always answer Einstein.
When told it鈥檚 an uninspired, clich茅d choice, I clarify Milena Einstein.
You Matter.
Unless you multiply yourself by the speed of light squared.
Then you Energy.