Just built a kite that’ll hold my cat. Figured if a mouse helped discover electricity then my cat & I should be able to unlock time travel.
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Interviewer: “How are your multitasking skills?”
*thinks of all the times I tweet while pooping*
Me: “Excellent.”
it’s so funny when a horse is shredded like a bodybuilder. like goddamn dude you wanna be a car so bad
Me: And then, for absolutely no reason, they changed the stars to hearts! We were all so mad
Syrian Refugee: omg please send me back
There is a piece of aluminum foil blowing across the road and all I can think is that one of you is without your protective headgear today.
I tried using that face app which makes people look old, and apparently it’s called a mirror.
I find that pregnant women stop asking me about my birthing story when I start describing the scene out of Alien
Sometimes you’re Godzilla, sometimes you’re Tokyo
I would love to live a sober life but then I’d be giving my MIL a reason to like me…
Blink once if you’re ok and Blink 182 if you ditched your career to find UFO’s.
Just discovered that my 5yo thinks the lyrics are “apple button jeans, boots with the brrr” and then he does a little shiver
r kelly: will you touch this shower quick
king midas: why
[prison]
PRISONER: what’s for breakfast
GUARD: every meal is bread & water
PRISONER: [is a duck] oh baby
Welcome back to another episode of Did I Close the Ziplock Bag Properly?
How to create a weight-loss program: (1) Take a before picture. (2) Eat like a pig. (3) Take an after picture. (4) Switch the pictures.
Bartender: A shot of whiskey can cleanse the soul
Me: *thinks back to the time I “experimented” in college* I’ll take 27 bottles please
I don’t lock my car doors, so if someone wants to steal my egg mcmuffin wrappers, Sonic happy hour cups and 47 cents, they’re welcome to it.
I dated my financial advisor for like a year but I lost interest.
Me, wearing face mask. Flight attendant: “are you gonna be like this all night?” Me: “yes!! It’s the best mask ever. From Korea. Collagen! Ugh it’s called….Let me get the package out of the trash so you can see ok one sec” flight attendant: “no I just mean like, awake”
ME: What’s this about?
SECRET SERVICE: We can’t tell you
ME: I can take it
SS: *whispers* Your parents didn’t take your dog to a farm
The last 60+ Miss Universe pageant winners have been from earth I don’t know man, seems fixed.
The funniest thing about being sober is someday finding out that you were the mayor of Toronto.
A child stared at me for ten minutes before he asked what that was on my face
His mum replied ‘that’s a beard’I was that kid’s first beard
Husband seen complaining about a plate that hadn’t been cleaned properly which he’d personally cleaned.
“Arise! Arise! Foul creatures, I command that you arise! ARISE!”
“Dad, just once, couldn’t you let mom or the alarm clock wake us?”
“ARISE!”
“The biblical Noah is no different than say, a Pokemon master, collecting God’s creatures for his own amusement,” I casually mention during the staff meeting while waiting for my PowerPoint to load
US Loretta Lynch confirms that all 7 FIFA officials dramatically threw themselves onto the ground faking injury when arrested earlier today.
Me: get behind me Satan!
Satan: not tonight, I’ve got a headache
MY NECK, MY BACK, A STRANGER TOOK MY CAT
Thankfully I haven’t had to go out and panic buy any food as I’ve been saving some plums in my icebox for this very occasion.
I’m my own boyfriend when it comes to farts