Just bumped into Gloria Gaynor’s ghost!
At first I was afraid, I was petrified.
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the dark web is just a goth google.
My dentist has decorated his office with pictures of teeth he has worked on, thank god my gynecologist doesn’t have the same decorator.
When my friends come over they know to ask “may I sit here” and then we look at my dog to see if it’s OK
There’s a fly in the den so my cat is reenacting the Matrix
A library patron stops in her tracks at the reference desk, studies me, and says: “You’ve gotten a few gray hairs!”
“Yeah, I get one every time there’s something I want to say out loud at work but hold it in instead. Oops, there’s a new one.”
Just found out my old gym is a 5 Guys now
Renewed my membership this morning
The only entities which will survive a nuclear holocaust will be the cockroaches and a book packed by Flipkart.
I don’t trust people who don’t wash their hands after burying a body in the yard.
Doctor: “Why is my waiting room empty?”
Judge: “I hauled everyone off to court”
Doctor: “You’re trying my patients”
The inventor of the wooden spoon: this will change cooking forever
Italian Mothers: I can’t wait to hit my kids with this
Right about now, I’d say that mistletoe is probably the most deadly plant on earth.
Nobody’s coming to my pizzarrhea I don’t get it!!!
VENTRILOQUIST: {getting waterboarded}
PUPPET: Stop you’re killing him!
CIA AGENT: Get me more water!
I’m sorry that you guys asked for this but the answer is yes, you would.
going ballistic.
anyone need anything?
So, when you have a missing sock, how long do you hang onto its partner? 9-10 years?
If someone says they just love the smell of books, I always want to pull them aside and be like, to be clear, do you know how reading works
Don’t get it. Heard the phrase “keep your friends clothes & keep your enemies clothes, sir”. Now I have a bunch of naked people angry at me.
Guys, I need help with a good recipe that will make my guests never come visit again.
11-year-old: I folded the laundry.
Me: You only folded one thing.
11: Is laundry plural?
A reality show where gay marriage opponents have to live under 100% Biblical laws for six months so they can show us how awesome it is.
There are two good reasons never to drink water from the toilet. No 1 and No 2s!
How dare you look down on me, judging me with your judgy eyes and your judgy attitude and…
Attorney: my client means, “not guilty”
You’re erasing syllables to make the word shorter. I’m adding syllables to make the word longer. We are not the samerino
If I’m ever on COPS it would be titled “When Suspects Attempt To Pet The Police Dog.”
me when someone doesn’t believe me and they google it and see I’m right
THE INVENTOR OF THE INTERNET: what if I told you that you could communicate with idiots from all over the world
Me: Please be quiet. I’m trying to hear this show.
3-year-old: OK
*breaks into song*
*turns on every talking toy*
*detonates fireworks*
What they don’t tell you about bathing in the blood of your enemies is your body hair is a light magenta for like the next 3 or 4 days. Ugh.
[before sex]
HER: did you bring protection?
ME: heck ya I did *slowly reaches into back pocket and pulls out nunchucks*