Just bumped into Gloria Gaynor’s ghost!
At first I was afraid, I was petrified.
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Blonde in laundromat asks to have
a sweater cleaned.Attendant : “Come again ?”
( not hearing )Blonde: “Nope, Just mustard this time”
hey there delilah, oh shit no i meant vicky
babe i promise you’re the only one
no this is not a hickey
♪it’s just a bruuuise ♪
GF taking me on a surprise V-Day getaway. At least I think. Not sure what the lime and shovel in the trunk with me are for though.
A super moon is just like a regular moon except Lois Lane doesn’t recognize it when it’s wearing horn rimmed glasses
“Are you sure?”
“I’m sure.”
“You’ve tried all of them on?”
“This one.”
Meteorologists are always talking about the weather and hardly ever about meteors.
New COVID variant subscribes you to random podcasts.
This year’s Christmas must-haves? Food, water and shelter! #theclassics
“I’m doing good, how are you?”
-Me lying out of my lying liar hole
People are surprised that I’m nice. Like yea I am fat and suck at sex, I have to be nice.
What did one elevator say to another?
Am gonna level with you
@thefunnytweeter With the way my diet is going, I think I’ll be much more slimmer after this quarantine.
The Joker was right
him: can you pour me a glass of wine
me: there’s only enough left for me
him: there’s a whole bottle
me: yes
I’d forgo the grocery store, but I’ve seen the way my kids look at me when they’re hungry. Self-preservation is highly motivating.
doctor: why do you think you need this medication?
me: i saw the commercial and the side effects sounded pretty awesome
It’s ok computer, I go to sleep after 20 minutes of inactivity too.
*Picks up extra virgin olive oil. *smirks*
“Not for long my friend. Not for long.”
[at a dive bar]
Friend: Look, I know you’re disappointed, but we should at least have one drink.
Me: *wearing flippers, a wetsuit and a snorkle* I’d like to leave, please.
if i were a 400 year old immortal vampire, i would simply not enrol in a local high school
Quick, while the British people are sleeping:
Raise your hand if you make tea by microwaving hot water
Sorry I changed your ringtone to Salt-N-Pepa’s “push it” and called you a bunch of times during your colonoscopy.
My Son: In my dream last night we were on the second floor of a restaurant, and the WEIRDEST THING HAPPENED.
Me: I love when restaurants have second floors.
My Son: It’s really fancy!
Me: It’s the best!
~ Team Lack of Focus, reporting for duty
I feel like anyone who comments on anything is insane.
SHAME ON YOU LOT for showing newby tweeters bad behaviour this weekend
*ring ring*
ME: Hello
FRIEND: Nat. Why is my son saying the F Word?
Me: Would you tell a friend or co-worker if they have bad breath?
Wife: Of course
M: Even tho it’ll upset them?
W: Yes, must be cruel to be kind
M: *handing over mouthwash* You’ll be needing this, then
W: I despise you
Sorry for laughing and pointing when you fell. I just thought clapping would be rude.
girl at restaurant: “Are you Tony Hawk?” me: “Yes.” her: “Why?” I had no idea how to answer.
kids: can we have a popsicle?
me: *eating a popsicle* no it’s 8am
Anyone: Loose lips sink ships
Me *writing down note*: Tighten ship’s lips.