Just called the bank for my account info and a voice whispered ‘If you break the pack in half, Ramen noodles can last you two days.’
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*In the back of an ambulance
Me: Change the radio station
Paramedic: Please don’t speak. You need to save your energy
Me: Im not dying to a Nickelback song
Ending all emails in 2022 with BING BONG!
Summer vacation would probably be a little more relaxing if these kids were vacationing somewhere else.
In my younger days, I was bullied. Fed up one day I punched the biggest kid in class. I think about that teaching job often.
Buzzfeed will be the death of journalism intellect.
Funny how people only believe their horoscope when it’s something good about them.
Astrological sign: You’re smart.. but not really. You’re actually just an idiot.
Now what?
wife: Why was that guy yelling at you?
[flashback to me ignoring the “one per customer” sign]
me [with a mouthful of cheese samples] No idea
Starting a cover band called “A Book” so no one can judge us.
My God: dead.
My world: disenchanted.
My invitation on LinkedIn: declined.
[show about dog training]
Narrator: a yellow ribbon on her leash indicates she is not to be socialized with
Me: where can i get one of those
A moth is just a butterfly with glasses and its hair up.
How do I know it will be a full moon tonight?
Exhibit A and Exhibit B.*points to 2 ferocious beasts who keep calling me “mom”*
therapist: now, once again, stress balls are for …….
me: (sighs heavily)
stress balls are for squeezing, not throwing at people when I’m stressed
ME: Is it true you can smell diseases?
MY DOG: Yes
ME: Well do I have any?
MY DOG: Yes, you’re insane
ME: Wow you can smell that?
MY DOG: No
Life hack: shave your head so you can sleep at your desk without messing up your hair.
AT&T literally grounded someone of you with loss of telephone privileges.
writers really said: what if homework… was a career.
[inventor of teapot]
“I want this water to scream”
Dear Televised Sports Injury,
We saw it the first time.
Thanks.
I hate corporate lingo. Stuff like “core competency” or “design out the problem” or “I’m gonna need you to go ahead and do some work today”
What, this is my emotional support rabid wolf
Yes, I DO think “did you bring my pizza?” is an acceptable answer when you’re in a public bathroom and someone knocks on the door.
If you can’t handle my interpretive dance to November Rain than you don’t deserve me doing splits on the hood of your car to Whitesnake.
He threw his hands in the air.
And he waved em like he just didn’t care.
In hindsight, he was the worst airplane runway guide we ever hired.
[Date]
Him: I don’t trust myself round youHer(flirting): Oh, stop
Him: I bought an iPad on your credit card when you were in the restroom
me: i need to talk to someone about making some changes to my nose
plastic surgeon: ok i’m all ears
me: I need to speak to someone else then
I thought she was the one. Then she put her entire email message in the subject line.
My dog just ate a butterfly and probably saved Tokyo from a tidal wave. I don’t understand science.
If I tell you I will do anything for you, don’t get too excited, because I will also do anything for a slice of pizza.
“Quick kid I don’t have much time. In 2020 they will release a super virus in a strategic attempt to wipe ou-“