Just checked FaceBook.. Apparently there are only 4 more days till the weekend.. I’ll keep you posted if anything changes guys
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[Restaurant]
“Good evening sir, would you like to hear the specials?”
Yes please
“THIS TOWN (AHH AHHH) IS COMIN LIKE A GHOST TOWN”
*primitive gungans defeat battle droids*
*Stone Age ewoks beat elite stormtroopers*
*improbable underdog story defeats logic and reason*
dear law students: nothing in the civil rules prohibits yelling out latin phrases like harry potter spells.
HER: what’s with all the finger pointing
ME [sharpening my other pinky]: tradition
Hug your teenagers today. In all likelihood they’ll be mortified by it and you can enjoy that sweet, albeit brief, victory.
*fashions codpiece out of grilled cheese sandwich*
Wife: it’s still NO!
Friend: There are plenty of fish in the sea
Fish in the sea:
*the doctor looks up at me after reviewing my blood test for several minutes*
are you sure you’re not a donut?
[opening can of Russian Pringles]
once u pop u [inside can is a slightly smaller can]
huh [inside that can is an even smaller can]
wtf [in..
Spy movies are unrealistic because no one could keep a secret for that long. The moment I got CIA clearance I would text my best friend like “ok so you can’t tell anyone this”
Whatever, I’ve been in better hostage situations than this
Wife: Where are you going?
Me: Out. I can’t stand being hemmed in by four walls.
Wife: How many walls has the pub got? Five?
when there was one set of footprints in the sand, that was when I tripped and fell but Jesus didn’t see and he kept walking for a little bit
Me: I get scared. I can’t explain it. It’s a weird feeling when the change happens.
Friend: They’re just transition lenses. Please calm down.
Pretty cool how every single person who read The Secret is now a billionaire.
doctor: here’s your x-ray
me: ew I look ugly in this one delete it take another
[talking loudly on my phone trying to distract the security guard during bank robbery] no no. dunston checks in is about the monkey. jaws is about the shark
Welcome to our nearly empty restaurant. Please follow me to our worst table.
[inventing video games]
i wanna be lazy but with a purpose
My husband says how much he loves my cooking by having poison control on speed dial.
Been married a few times. Always the bride, never the bridesmaid
Thanks autocorrect. I wanted her to know that I shaved my duck.
I hate it when restraining orders get in the way of meaningful relationships.
Well played future wife. You win this round
Say what you will about the Grinch, but having garlic in your soul and living alone with a dog sounds pretty damn great to me.
[gets pulled over for speeding]
Where’s the fire ma’am?
*grips lighter*
“I’m not sure yet”
ME: [holding up boombox outside your bedroom window] DO YOU HAVE FOUR D BATTERIES THAT I COULD BORROW
I was worried my kids would never know the joy of a commercial break, and then we got Hulu
Saw a sign on the highway that said “Kill or Injure a Road Worker: $7,500” but it doesn’t tell me where to pick up the money…
Due to the current economic situation, I’ve decided to start a dating site for chickens.
It’s not my full time job.
I’m just doing it to make hens meet.
Friend: What do you like most about Adele?
Me: Have you seen her work/life balance? She works for 6 months then disappears for 5 years.