“This would be better if there was cake” really does ring true in any situation.
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[sky diving]
INSTRUCTOR: questions before we jump?
ME: do u think clams ever choke on their pearls?
INSTRUCTOR: *pushes me out of the plane*
[Using My Shrink Ray]
Me: I feel so small
Ray: *taking notes* Let’s explore that
Before you curse gravity, just imagine how unsatisfying sitting down would be without it.
boss: you’re late
me: I broke down on the way here
boss: did they tow your car?
me: car?
Imagine the sound a centipede would make if they wore tiny flip flops…
I bought a umbrella today and it started raining almost immediately. I’m heading to buy a box of condoms…
bartender: the usual?
me: you know it
bartender: [throws me thru window]
Hell hath no fury like a woman proving herself by parallel parking
We should remove the warning labels from everything and let the stupidity problem take care of itself.
*after eating 5300 calories of chinese food in 1 sitting* is nausea a symptom of covid
i gave my 4-year-old bubble wrap from a package and he thanked me for his christmas present. now i can’t stop thinking of all the money i could have saved
The fox I planted last year is coming along nicely.
Sometimes I think I want a third kid, then I spend 45 minutes in a full pediatrician’s waiting room and my uterus tries to escape on it’s own.
My reaction to most music that has been released in the last ten years is “what did they just say?”
craving $300 all of a sudden
My mom making me come say hi to somebody I “knew” as a baby
A woman on the subway asked if anyone wanted to turn their life over to Jesus Christ today. She seems nice but if you don’t believe in God, I don’t think the New York City public transportation experience is going to convince you.
me: THAT’S IT YOU’RE GROUNDED
son: [shrugs]
me: U LOSE UR PHONE
son: ok
me: AND UR COMPUTER
son: whatever
me: AND…AND…
son: [smirks]
me: NO GRAVITY FOR A WEEK
son: wait, no- [smacks into ceiling]
A minute, 45 seconds.
How long I’ll hold my hands under a restaurant faucet before I finally realize it’s not motion activated.
“You are what you eat” I chant furiously, shoving another roach in my mouth. Mushroom clouds keep growing in the distance
My wife asked why I spend more time preparing for fantasy football than I spent planning our wedding, and apparently that wasn’t the best time to explain my amazing draft strategy.
[drinking my 5th coffee of the day] imma put this body on vibrate
Seismologists are loyal to a fault
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Hello! I’m really high sorry about my driving. I’m ready to order now.
When people ask, “Don’t I know you from somewhere?”, I reply “Yes, we were best friends as children until you murdered my puppy.”
Monday morning looks like Jack Nicholson breaking through the door in The Shining.
You politely tap a jogger with your car one time, and suddenly you get labeled a hero.
Overheard in Dublin pub bathroom last night:
Girl 1: “My Ma is going mad that I’m out on Christmas Eve. She said to me: ‘it’s the day baby Jesus was born, and you’re out drinking’”
Girl 2: “Jesus was born ages ago, relax!
Me: Dishwasher’s broken.
16: I’m sorry.
Me: Did you break it?
16: No, I meant, like, “I’m sorry for your loss.”
whenever i see a baby, i take its candy. i need the win more than the baby does.