You would think a Steven with a ph would know better than to address me as Alison with two Ls.
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[getting escorted out of zoo] “I just wanted to see if the panda knew kung fu like in the movie”
Coral is stupid in my opinion. You’re a rock that can die? Sounds like the worst of both worlds but “you do you”
Everyone hates on the dentist but at least they don’t try to weigh you.
Me: Go wake up your mother.
Son: No way man…no way.
Me: C’mon…please? You’re her offspring…she’s less likely to harm you.
[Noah from the Bible is doing laundry and his washer just starts spewing water]
DEBORAH GET THE BOAT
fighting against the coronavirus by wildly swinging a broom as though there is a bird in the house
This could be us, but you weedin’.
dog 911: what’s your emergency
dog: there’s an intruder
dog 911: is he in your house?
dog: no, he’s across the street
dog 911: that’s not a problem
dog: what if he comes over here?
dog 911: OH GOD WHAT IF HE DOES
dog: SHOULD I BARK?
dog 911: FOR THE LOVE OF DOG YES
Me: my fitbit broke
Sales Guy: how
Me: i put it on my dog’s tail and asked him who’s a good boy
Sales Guy: if i give you a new one can i see
I still think my biggest regret is asking a girl out, and replying “me too” after she told me she had a boyfriend
romantic comedies are like “he didn’t realize he had feelings for his best friend until she took off her glasses”
doctor: push through the pain, I can see the head, you can do it!
me: [struggling to pull on my turtleneck sweater] I can taste air
No, they’re not called hedge funds because hedgehogs control the global economy. What a silly idea. 🙂
*later to thugs* They know too much.
I’m here to make a donation.
Nun: Blessings, the orphans could use…
*Shoving my kid at her- A brother? I’d like a receipt. For my taxes.
Current anxiety level: kindergartner who can’t unbutton his pants
There are two owls inside you. You are going to nail this interview at Hooters.
The big twist in GODZILLA VS KONG is they both find out their mother’s name is Mothra
🎶And ewe may find yourself behind the wheel of a large automobile
me: wanna hang out?
southern girl: well, dip me in honey butter, roll me around in mississippi sand and saddle a junebug to savannah
me:
My fridge just screamed “OH JESUS, WHAT NOW?” at me as I opened its door.
College: Now that you’re making tons of money with your degree, please donate back to us every year
Me: lol
College: lol ikr?
Overhead an older lady telling her friend that she has “no faith in St. Martin” and I think more saints should be subject to user reviews
My 8 yo has learned how to play Chuck Berry’s “my ding a ling” on the piano. I’m proud and also in hell. Please help.
Me: Do you need a sample?
Nurse: Ma’am we just need to swab your throat
Me: But I gotta pee and I don’t want it to go to waste
Children; because how else could you collect teeth without seeming psychotic.
I gave up going to work for lent.
a true american can survive on just corn syrup and debt
May he without sin cast the first stone
[Everybody picks up rocks]
Sharing Netflix passwords counts as sin
[Everybody puts rocks back down]
Everybody keep your fingers crossed for me today.
Nothing’s happening, I just like bossing around internet strangers.
I thought “man cannot live on bread alone” was some sort of TikTok challenge.
And I think I’m winning.