Just checked weather. If anyone is curious what’s in my wardrobe, find me tomorrow. I will be wearing every article of clothing I own.
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Him: have you had dinner yet?
Me: *after eating entire bag of chips, 2 donuts and 6 cookies* Nope, not yet.
SHAME ON YOU LOT for showing newby tweeters bad behaviour this weekend
*ring ring*
ME: Hello
FRIEND: Nat. Why is my son saying the F Word?
The “eye for an eye” philosophy isn’t exactly a level playing field if your grievance is with a cyclops.
Teach your kids how to make friends with people with beach houses. Otherwise you have to buy your own and turns out it’s pretty expensive
You’d think I was wanted for murder the way I react when someone knocks on my door..
crazy how my parents yelled at me as a child to “prepare me for the real world” when the only person who consistently yells at me is my cat
I hate it when a stick of butter goes rogue and leaps out of the refrigerator at me when I open the door.
When someone tells me, “I think of you as family,” I assume I’m about to be yelled at for something that happened 10 years ago.
Doctor: I need to draw some blood
Me *hands him a red crayon* haha
Doctor *stabs it in my arm* haha
I talk a lot of shit for a middle aged woman who still calls it a potty.
wife: ugh I feel so old
me: you’re only 36
wife: ugh
me: that’s like three 12yr olds
wife: what
me: what
ROOMBA: I pick up anything
ME: [throwing it my car keys] Great, my kids are done with school at 3:30
ROOMBA: No wait-
[45 minutes later]
ROOMBA: You learn anything new today?
I have two options:
1) go and pick up my son from after school club and get absolutely soaked in the rain.
2) leave him there for the weekend.
Bartender: A shot of whiskey can cleanse the soul
Me: *thinks back to the time I “experimented” in college* I’ll take 27 bottles please
Her: I’m really into eating clean.
Me: (trying to impress her) I also use many napkins.
Her: ooh your whole wall is a mirror, I bet you do all sorts of naughty things *giggling*
Me: [thinking about practicing sweet karate moves against my evil doppelgänger] haha you know it babe
i have faced more peer pressure to drink oat milk than to do drugs
wow it’s a good thing this mug says “COFFEE” on it, I was about to wear it like a hat
You love him. Your parents approve him. He buys you flowers and chocolate. He wrote you a poem that rhymes “wood” with “food.”
Even though she’s not Native American, my Wife always sends smoke signals to let me know when dinner is ready.
(friends getting chinese noodles without you)
that’s pretty lo, mein
“I’m totally against the selfie-stick but every now and then an exception comes along.”
Credit: AndrewBloch
Our son came home one day with
a note from his first grade teacher:Your son bit another boy today.
Is he getting enough to eat at home ?
She’s got a great personality!
It’s the other 6 personalities that I’m worried about….
I’d like to say I have a yoga body, but it’s really more of a Yoda body.
Resist all the cheese, I can’t.
Dating Profile – Don’t listen to what my wife says, I’m really pretty nice.
wife: 9 got a ninja costume. Pretend you can’t see him
9 [standing in front of the fridge] *giggles*
me *hits him in the face with the door*
[airplane nose dives]
*turns to kid behind
‘Could you please stop kicking my seat!’
Saw a unicorn using a phone booth and all I can think is, who is she calling?
*brings elephant to knife fight
*nobody talks about it