Pediatrician: They’re only getting two hours of screen time a day, right?
Me: HAHAHAHA! I mean, yes.
You Might Also Like
How am I supposed to be professional when something at work is called a dongle?
The important thing to remember is that nobody asked you.
Me on a dinner date: be cool, be cool, be cool…..
*dips cookie in barbecue sauce
Age 8: “Being a werewolf would be fun!”
Age 18: “Being a werewolf would solve all my problems.”
Age 28: “Being a werewolf is an escapist power fantasy for emotionally stunted children.”
Age 38: “Being a werewolf would be fun AND it would solve all my problems!”
There’s always that creepy couple inviting people to come over and sit in their hot tub…by the way, what are you doing tonight?
Top Gun is a Christmas movie.
There is no tree and no Santa, but they do kill a goose
Are 19th Century menstrual pads called period pieces?
Fun fact: The confetti you’ll see in Times Square tonight was made from one CVS receipt.
My signature move is being a complete idiot trying to convince someone that I’m not drink.
Drank.
Drunk.
If I had to choose one word that encapsulates me, I’d say skin.
When parallel parking, I turn down the radio so I can hear the sound of my car crunching the other car’s bumper.
I forgot that I ate that chocolate. So can I have another one?
~ kid logic
What did you think was happening when the #earthquake hit?
[camping]
Friend: You gonna put that tent up yourself?
Me: No, you sicko, under that tree.
Kids, if you want to succeed in journalism the way to do it is to suck at your job in a way that’s useful to rich people
Making reservations for one at a fancy restaurant because every now and then, I like to be wined and dined before I take advantage of myself
A chip tracker but it’s just me following the potato chip crumbs dropped by my toddler
My Medical Emergency Contact is a girl from college who promised she’d pluck any stray hairs off my face if I slipped into a coma.
My husband and I had a few cocktails while we were out shopping and don’t remember what we bought the kids. I’m so excited to see what we got them on Christmas morning.
DOCTOR SNAIL: *out of breath* I got here as fast as I could. How’s the patient?
NURSE: *Pointing to a skeleton in the bed* Not good
judge: we hereby find you guilty of parrot smuggling
me: this is bullshit
*from jacket* this is bullshit
Friend has been complaining about finding an avocado on his lawn every day for weeks now. Why would someone keep throwing avocados in his yard? Who would do that? You guys he just realized he has an avocado tree
#MeanwhileInCanada
If Kevin Bacon didn’t acknowledge his kids as “Bacon Bits” I’ll be forever disappointed.
Me showing up at your door when I find out you hurt my friend’s feelings
The baby spit up on my Xbox so I had to get rid of it…
I’m gonna miss that baby…
Me: *typing* exercise
Autocorrect: extra fries
Me: this is better
Why do Americans choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?
The average person swallows 3 cats on their drive home from work.
Sometimes, during the movie previews, I’ll turn to the stranger sitting next to me and whisper, “We should really go see that together.”