Just congratulated my ex on dating someone so young that her Throwback Thursday photos are just pictures of her pregnant mom. I’m a dream.
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I can’t think of a single email that have ever found me well.
What’s that, Lassie? Where’s Timmy? The butcher’s? I hope you’re right this time, gal, there was no sign of him at the dog run or frisbee store.
Shawty has them Apple Bottom jeans, boots with the fur, gloves with the skin, shirt with the scales, hat with the shell, belt with th
Her: let’s role play
Me: ok I’ll pretend I’m a firefighter
Her: hot
Me: *narrows eyes*
Me and be Jealous?… HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA … Who is McDonald’s and why are you ‘lovin it’?
I’m not wrong
If you’re feeling jealous because someone you know is posting photos of an amazing vacation that you could never afford, remember this: Now is an excellent time to break into their home and steal stuff.
Burglars broke into Kanye West’s home.
As a result, 500 statues of Kanye West are missing.
CONFIRMED: Pete Davidson is now dating Sims 1 Bella Goth 🫢🫢
Apparently they don’t want you sipping your beverage from a brown paper bag at work.
Every Crock-Pot recipe:
– throw in anything you have left in the house
– cook three to eleven hours.
love is out there. so are bigfoot and the loch ness monster
I think we see so many men with long beards nowadays because nobody can afford those Gillette replacement blades.
Someone had to say it 🤷♂️
I have no idea how to clean a cheese grater. Usually I just end up grating a sponge
[first day as a mechanic]
ME: i would say this car is haunted
HERE GO MY IMPRESSION OF COMEDY SPECIALS:
JOEY TRUTHBOMBS – “TELLIN IT LIKE IT IS”
Me: Opens trash bag to begin cleaning playroom…..
Kids: (from a mile down the street) “Wait! I’ve been looking for that.”
A man just assaulted me with milk, cream and butter.
How dairy
INTERVIEWER: Now this is an impressive résumé
ME: Thank you, I found it outside
Ran a bath, checked Twitter, flooded Europe.
FUN PRANK:
Bump into Kanye in public, pretend you don’t recognize him, and say
“EXCUSE ME ORDINARY CITIZEN”
Then watch how mad he gets.
Reverse interview. Here is my answer: “No”
Now, ask me the question
“I totally didn’t say that.” – God
love black friday. not buying anything, just wanted to go apeshit in a target
MI5 warned today that Chinese espionage online is being conducted on an ‘epic scale’ in the U.K. Not on our watch, our security systems are 世界上最好的之一。
“What do you mean “He used his mind?”
“I mean he never touched the gates. He destroyed them with his mind!”
“Oh my god…we’ve got a mad telekinetic duck on our hands. Get me the president!”
“How much is that doggy in the window” is a dumb thing to write a song about. Just go ask one of the workers
My wife and kids are away so it’s just me in the house and I was just awoken at 1:45 a.m. by the Alexa in the other room saying, “Sorry, I didn’t catch that.”
Called in sick to work one day. Saw one of my students at the beach. We nodded as we both realized we were skipping my class. #IGotCaught