“Just dashing to the shops”
Woman [showers, washes hair, styles hair, puts on make up, chooses outfit, irons clothes]
Man [grabs car keys]
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Bailiff: State your name for the court
Hr: Clara Sofía Alba Constanza Guadalupe…
Judge: That’s enough I want to get out of here b4 lunch!
[1st day as undercover cop]
*approaches drugdealer*
Me: “Yes hello I’d like to purchase one crack and two marijuanas please!”
*gets stabbed*
if you’re in first class on a flight sometimes they upgrade you to captain
Smile for the camera. Laugh for the pencil sharpener. Dance for the refrigerator
[first time at a rave]
These M&Ms make my hair follicles feel weird
I noticed that you’re still staring at me after I already answered your question, what can we do to stop this
Cutest fight ever.. 😊
If you go to an animal shelter and ask for a cat, they get really upset if you play them like a guitar and scream ROCK YOU LIKE A FURRICANE.
NEIL DIAMOND: hands, touchin’ hands, reachin’ out, touchin’ me, touchin’ you
WALMART HR: ok so let’s go over the proper way to greet customers
May the fourth be with you and if you’re married, may the back and forth be with you
my fridge has a screen so sometimes I get bored and photoshop myself to make it look like im in there
If you’re ever attacked by a mob of angry clowns…
…go for the juggler.
No matter how hard I try, I just never seem to run out of bad ideas.
I consider anything that doesn’t fit in the dishwasher to be for one time use.
What percentage of the zombies are just chasing you down to tell you they’re vegan?
I think it’s time for the hard stuff *pulls Werther’s Original out of pocket*
How to make friends as an adult:
1. Say “we should hang!”
2. Do not hang.
3. Say “we should hang!” 6 months later.
4. Cancel.
5. Reschedule.
6. Respect their cancelation.
7. Reschedule.
8. Actually hang.
9. Say “we should do this more often!”
10. Die.
Economists trying to explain how inflation is real
ME: I’m just gonna take a quick nap.
KIDS: Check out the new cirque du soleil show we invented.
*living room is on fire*
Some of y’all never had to risk it all for a LimeWire download and it shows
Trev’s antisocial challenge: walk up to the first coworker you see and say, “I’m sorry you feel threatened by my triceps.”
Witches’ brews are full of newtrients.
*A group of cannibals eating a pie*
This is amazing, what did you do different?
“Well, I used fresh Barry’s”
Unless you refer to it as either a shindig or a hootenanny, I will not be attending your party.
[1st date]
Him: We share perfect chemistry!
Me: *but all I hear is the word “share” as I create a fortress around my nachos with my hands*
Me: Bedtime in 5 minutes!
8yo: *Begins the single most complicated crafting project of her lifetime thus far*
“Ready for the peep show, sailor?”
Sure, I want to find that perfect for me relationship, but experience has taught me it’s probably cupcakes.
The moon is moving away from the earth at about 5 inches a year so it’s like the longest break up ever
kid: dad see i’m dressed as you for halloween
dad: nice buddy *handing suitcase to kid* have fun at work
kid: i didn’t-
dad: *tossing keys* easy on the clutch