Cars should have a thing where if you drive around with your blinker on for too long, they explode.
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Me: I am so tired and sad all the time.
Brain: Have you tried eating a lot of pasta, like A LOT?
[22 minutes later]
Me: That didn’t help at all and now I feel sick
Brain: Hm weird. Try again in like half an hour.
animation is NOT for kids. animation is for nobody. drawings have no business moving like that
“You know I love that thick bottom” – me, telling my coworker about the new frying pan I got over the weekend
I’m so hungry I could Instagram a horse.
It took 3 minutes to get my baby out via c-section and yet it takes me a solid 15 minutes to get a toy out of its packaging!?!?
Why am I easier to open than a toy?!?
Anxiety causes your body to store fat so that’s one more thing to be anxious about.
My kids broke the TV, tried to cover it up, owned up to it together, and are now inseparable. Apparently all it takes for them to get along is being co-conspirators in a cover-up operation.
I got fired from being the events coordinator at the local orphanage. I think it’s cause family day never really took off
Gemini: Please stop touching the Amulet of Unceasing Regret. It’s not a toy.
I see dead people. Although according to the charge sheet, the law refers to it as necrophilia.
She was rare, like a goth jogging
I am looking properly as I cross the road my child said as her face disappeared completely inside her hood each time she looked left and right.
Me: Dark Lord, I am your devoted servant. Please accept this sacrifice as proof of my —
Satan: I have a girlfriend.
I’m convinced that my wife took 9 years of education at 3 different colleges just to win all the arguments for the rest of my life.
I don’t always trust old people’s stories of the past. Recently an older gentlemen told me that he grew up as one of seven children. And it’s like…come on dude. Even back then there were more kids than that.
If only my parents had given me a memorable first name.
my little sister is staying home for her first semester of college so i’m gonna puke in her shower and set off the fire alarm at 3am so she can get the true freshman year dorm experience
As a kid: I hope to one day cure diseases and be an Olympic swimmer.
Me as an adult: I hope to one day finish a bottle of shampoo and conditioner at the same time.
I just remembered that Sun Chips made a fully biodegradable bag and people were like “this sucks, it’s too loud” as if Sun Chips consumers need a tactical stealth corn snack. Like buddy you’re eating sour cream and onion chips not infiltrating Bin Laden’s compound.
you learn something new every day oh god make it stop
“Whats the deal with all this airline food?”
-Sharks in Malaysia
My daughter is interviewing with an ice cream shop. I told her that when they ask if she has any questions, she should say “Yeah, can you give me the SCOOP on what it’s like to work here?”
My 5yo won a toy from the claw machine, so now I’m going to make him buy me a lottery ticket
4yo: THAT WAS ENOUGH SCHOOL
Me: That was… your first day.
4yo: YEP.
Me: You have school again tomorrow, kiddo.
4yo: NAH, I THINK I’M GOOD.
If I give out nudes now, it’s extremely unfair to the nudes I didn’t give out before.
Obama keeps trying to get me to kiss this top secret document from Syria but I keep telling him I’m not the kinda guy who’ll kiss intel
This dude winked at me in the market so when he wasn’t looking I put a bunch of douches in his cart
WAITER: Your meal comes with three sides.
ME (imagining a delicious triangle): Excellent.
If any of you toddler parents need some encouragement to keep pushing through those toddler years – I just slept in until 11 am on a Sunday.
You really shouldn’t drive when you’re tired.