Just enjoy the pool, I don’t need to see a picture of your feet by it.
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I’m gonna be in trouble when my kids are older and realize how much of my parenting advice is just Kenny Rogers lyrics.
If you walk into a meeting and say “sorry, I have to go to another meeting.”
You can avoid every meeting.
You’re welcome.
Can you imagine how awkward it would be if your pet went on your phone and saw the hundreds of pictures you’ve taken of them sleeping..
“You think only God can judge you?”
*Judge Judy spins around in chair to face you*
“Well THINK AGAIN!”
*bangs gavel so hard it breaks*
Who hurt you ?
Me: Monday.
*gets down on 1 knee*
OMG
*puts 2nd knee down*
WHAT?
*lays on floor*
JIM?
*snake noises*
WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
*slithers out of relationship*
DATE: you smell so nice – what are you wearing?
ME: Febreeze
It’s not that he liked big butts; it’s that he could not lie. THAT’S why Sir Mix-a-Lot deserved his knighthood.
My wife has the worst taste in men.
Raisins are just grapes pretending not to be past their “sell by” date
What should we call our new store?
“Will we sell pottery?”
No.
“Is it in a barn?”
No.
“Let’s go with Pottery Barn.”
Hell, I love it Carl.
doctors before an x-ray be like “dont worry this is perfectly safe” and then the dude goes to egypt to press a button
Elon literally had the chance to name his kid Melon Musk and he blew it.
Relationship status: I tried to blow a kiss but it wants to just be friends
LITTLE MERMAID 2016:
SEA WITCH URSULA: Your voice is mine mwaahahaha!!!
ARIEL: *flicks eyes up; keeps texting*
[me on Ellen}
Ellen: so i heard you like to tell people directions
Me: that’s right Ellen
Family: What do you want to do for Mother’s Day?
All Moms: Not have to decide what we are doing for Mother’s Day, for starters.
Moses: Yo, I think you typo’d this tablet, “Thou shall not Bill”?
God: Frig sakes.
Moses: Lol. Still want me to read it?
WIFE: get down here!
ME: *from telephone wire* I’m with my friends
WIFE: why are u wearing fake wings?
ME: *to bird next to me* they’re real
[invention of Moist Towelette]
So, we’ve got a product that everyone will use, now let’s give it a name nobody wants to say
No trip to Home Depot is complete without at least two more trips to Home Depot for what you didn’t know you needed to buy the first time.
The worst thing you can put in your body is carbs. Or maybe a knife.
So tell me, which of my chins is your favorite?
My nickname in high school was “who?”
Tweet about drinking too much = 50 quick likes
Facebook about drinking too much = A phone call from my mom
Him: I’m attracted to bad girls
Me: *changes lanes without signaling*
Women who say giving birth is the worst pain imaginable, obviously never waited for a toddler to put on their own shoes.
Don’t you just love arts and crafts?
[flash mob in front of me & my girl]
[I join in then kneel down gasping]
“Will you..”
“YES!… YE..”
“grab me a smoothie from Jamba Juice?”
[me living in a hallmark movie]
oh my gosh, my childhood love is still single? and here? in this small town?
well if we don’t fall in love and get together then the christmas tree farm will foreclose!
WE MUST GET MARRIED TO SAVE CHRISTMAS!