Nobody in this grocery store thinks I’m a good bowler. Also, clean up in aisle four.
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Little Drummer Boy: I have no gift to bring, pa rum pum pum pum.
Mary: What about that rad drum?
Little Drummer Boy: No
Mary: Get out
I don’t need to pull an April Fool’s joke on you…apparently life beat me to it.
Jack: how’s it going
Beans: pretty good– Jack and the beans talk
After my ex and I broke up, I was in a really bad place (Florida)
Ask someone if they’ll watch your bag for you but never actually leave just sit there and watch your bag together with your new friend.
I once spent some time with my grandson’s second grade class so I think I have a pretty good idea of how government works.
If you say “I’m fine” while squirting a can of whipped cream straight into your mouth, people won’t believe you but they will also leave you alone.
Bear of bad news: Hey, sport. You might wanna be sitting down. Ready? Oh god how do I put this? I’m gonna have to maul the shit out of you.
My hot pink mouth is wide open for you, sugar.
Donut: ….
I’m in quicksand and then I realize it’s actually oatmeal. I start to eat my way out until I realize there’s no sugar, cinnamon or walnuts. Disgusted, I stop eating and let death embrace me.
ME: I have an appointment for 1:30
RECEPTIONIST: may I have your last name?
ME: omg *tearing up* yes, I’ll marry you
Just FYI if a DJ or children’s entertainer tells you to “make some noise”, never make the most amount of noise you can the first time, because chances are they’ll tell you that they can’t hear you and you’ll have to make even more noise
People overlook Dracula’s positive attributes. In his bat form, he eats mosquitoes and other unwanted backyard insects.
Him, a vampire: This isn’t going to work.
Her: Is it because my name is Buffy?
Him: Yes.
Her: Hey, don’t hate the slayer, hate the name.
Takes approximately 7.5 seconds for #Adele to make you mourn a relationship that you weren’t even in.
Been married so long it’s almost like a first date. Husband is always wondering if he’s even gonna make it to 1st base.
Never eat ice cream while chatting online. Sister: why are you typing so slowly Me: well my other hands busy. She hasnt replied yet.
Lake Erie: Great Lake name
Lake Titicaca: Greater lake name
I can’t believe the pharmacy hasn’t called!
“Oh they did..3 or 4 days ago..I forgot to tell you. What’s it’s for anyway?”
Anxiety.
It’s actually pretty rude of you to assume that I know what I’m doing
Me: ‘I’d like to cancel my gym membership.’
Clerk: ‘It doesn’t look like you even have one.’
Me: ‘I’m trying to be more proactive.’
My 4yr old is playing mommy and I just heard her say, “Put your shoes on, dammit!” So now at least I know she hears me when I ask.
[driving on the highway]
My son, distraught: oh no. This is bad. This is very very bad.
Me: WHAT? WHAT IS IT?
Him: my Funyuns. I can’t find my Funyuns.
Her: could things get any worse?
Me: *adds raisins* there you go.
Every time I’m around my mother in law, I wonder who is running hell in her absence.
I didn’t choose this melted cheese and tortilla chip life, it na-chose me
12th Law of Nature: If an adult attempts to nap during the day, an equal and opposite adult will turn on a lawn mower.
[Beauty and the Beast, Tinder Edition]
BELLE: *swipes left*[credits]
Satan: Welcome to hell, where it’s hot and never not! Any questions?
Me: Yeah, where’s the second circle? They’re expecting me.