@clindsaysway: Just finished reading the Declaration of Independence to my kids, and they went to live with their dad
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@BarebakAssassin: Some people don't realize how grateful they should be that I'm not allowed to carry a sword in public.
@kevinrowe1: Doctor: Between 1 and 10, describe how much pain are you in? Me: Is married a number? That's how I get the good meds...
@JohnLyonTweets: C'mon, when have I ever let you down? That was rhetorical, actually. Yes, that is a lot. Wow, did not expect you to bring out a chalkboard.
@nachosarah: if we're on a date and you're rude to the waiter I'd be like holy shit I'm on a date