Just finished reading the Declaration of Independence to my kids, and they went to live with their dad
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Nobody will know you’re stoned if you’re always stoned
Don’t talk to me unless you are a ham sandwich.
if i was a conductor of an orchestra, i would abuse my power by making them warm up to a stirring rendition of “ice, ice, baby.”
Darth Vader: Join me on the Dark Side, Luke!
Luke: I’ll never join you!
Vader: We have flex hours and Pizza Fridays!
Luke: NOOOOOO!!!
ME: I worked at a zoo for a while
THERAPIST: Great! & what did you take from that?
ME: [monkey noises coming from my bag] Uh good memories
Got caught by three red lights on my way home and now my avocados are bad
You can’t leave the aquarium with a penguin.
It’s a stuffed animal I got in the gift shop.
Ma’am, it’s moving.
I GOT IT IN THE GIFT SHOP!
Suddenly realized I forgot about the tea I made a couple hours ago, only to find I also forgot to actually make the tea
on our farm rn we have 16 regular ducks. and then we have reginald. reg is 4lbs of pure hatred in the approximate shape of a duck. he is the duck god of chaos. every night he refuses, with violence, to go inside his coop, despite loving it in there. i hate him but i respect him
It turns out if you balance your checkbook when you’re drunk you have a lot more money.
Sometimes I worry that pizza isn’t a real sport
You know you’re too drunk to drive when you swerve to miss a tree then realise it was your air freshener.
me: sorry if I’m bothering you
surgeon: how do you keep waking up and saying that
I’m old enough to remember when Oreos came in one flavor: “Oreo.”
[McDonalds drive thru]
toddler [possibly drunk] ASK IF THEY HAVE POP TARTS
Welcome to adulthood.
Your keys will be in the pocket closest to the hand holding the most grocery bags.
YouTube suggestion: [Inspirational video] I wake up at 3 am
Me [at midnight]: no thank you! I don’t want that kind of negativity
The girl who once told me “If I’m not married by the time I’m 30, kill me” got married recently at 29 and WHEW is that a load off my mind
The only way I’d be invited to a dinner party is to be hunted by rich people for sport.
Children; because how else could you collect teeth without seeming psychotic.
Interviewer: What would you like to get out of this job?
Me: As many free office supplies as possible.
she’s all “don’t sleep in the nude- what if there’s a fire and the fire men come and see you naked”
uh you pretty much described my fantasy
Ther are two microwaves in my office kitchen, one is for exploding lasagnas and the other one is for exploding other different lasagnas
If I ran a swamp tour in Florida there’d be a lot of people that wouldn’t make it back to the boat launch.
Who are we? KIDS
What do we want? OATMEAL
When do we want it? NEVER, WE CHANGED OUR MINDS, WE DON’T LIKE OATMEAL ANYMORE
I argued otherwise, but the shoe inserts ended up improving my posture, so I stand corrected.
[having sex with centaur]
ME: *man that fortune cookie was spooky accurate*
Day 14 of being Everyone’s Personal Assistant and sometimes in this line of work you have to tell a couple of white lies