Just finished the first chapter of this novel. Tons of characters with the same name and really hard to follow.
Sir, that’s a phone book.
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If you find your cat reading a book titled “To Serve Man,” I’m just going to warn you right now, those are recipes. Cats aren’t servants.
6yo: “Mom, Mom! I got to the number 200.”
Me: “Wow! Great job counting.”
6yo: “Thanks, I want to get to 300 stickers on the floor!”
Me: “Wait, what?”
The first time I ever went to a Catholic Church the fire alarms went off when I sat down. I can take a hint Jesus.
“are you sure these x-rays are safe?”
[doctor 12 feet away behind a lead wall] you’re fine
Using “whom” incorrectly at a party I wasn’t invited to
Friend: dude you can stop eating now, you already won the contest
Me: the what
My wife learned the closer you travel to the speed of light, the longer you live. Now she drives like she wants to live forever.
Love is that feeling you get when you meet someone that makes you forget about all of your problems cuz they’re causing all new problems.
Brain, I know you’re trying hard but you are not doing a good job.
Me: you’re mad at me about what happened earlier aren’t you?
Arresting officer: little bit
all pants are breakaway pants if you’re angry enough
Therapist: what’s your support system like?
Me: about $150 an oz
[Olympic Swimming]
CANADIAN ANNOUNCER: I feel bad for the water look how hard they’re kicking it.
when the news anchor says “if you know anything about the crime please contact police”
dont call the police and re-tell the news story
My Fitbit was delivered today. It’s still sitting in the mailbox because I don’t want to walk all the way out there.
Someone in one of the screen rooms at my theatre was eating pepperoni and I can’t tell if I’m repulsed by the smell or impressed by the audacity.
that’s my husband on the left and me on the right
Me, before kids: my kids will not spend their time on electronics.
Me, after kids: iPad is your mom now.
When a husband asks you if you think it’s possible to love someone forever…
“If I find the right person” is apparently the wrong answer.
Never fight a dinosaur, you’ll get Jurasskicked.
Is it soup spoon or dessert spoon when eating a jar of mayonnaise?
I want to become a librarian so bad. I love books but I love telling people to shut up even more.
In medieval times, infant mortality was so high that parents would often avoid posting pregnancy pics on Facebook until the 3rd trimester.
I dream of living in a world where men are judged not by the color of their skin, but by the contents of their iPod.
Therapist: What brings you here today?
Me: I’m a middle child.
Therapist: I see, classi..
Me: In between two sets of twins.
Therapist: *on intercom* Sheila clear my week.
paparazzi followed me 2 a shoot so I tried 2 think what I could do that would yield the most onion-ish possible headline and it worked haha
the human says there are two options. inside or outside. but if they would simply. elevate their mindset. they would uncover a third option: stand in the doorway. and sniff the air
WOMAN: [disgusted] some people shouldn’t have children
ME: [gently placing my son in her shopping cart] thank you