@natedeschaine: Just finished writing my will. In TOTALLY UNRELATED news, I'm about to try resolving some issues regarding my iTunes library.
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@ShutUpThatsWho: [taking pregnant wife to hospital ER] Me: Help! My wife's having contradictions! Dr: Don't you mean contractions? Wife: Never say never
@Sarcasticsapien: Spider-Man's a great addition to The Avengers, if they're looking for a superhero who is best at watching people they love die.
@AndrewChamings: Bully gets me in a headlock not realizing my entire head is pre-slathered in fish oil and I just slip right out! The janitor chants my name.