Bored, but not “go to the mall the week before Christmas” bored.
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Wife: You knew when we met that my job would preclude me from having children.
Me: Why? You can still investigate deaths when you’re pregnant.
Wife: Nobody puts baby in the coroner.
People: “You look so unapproachable”
Me: “And yet,here you are”
My package got from New York to Chicago in the same business day. Over the next four days it has traveled less than 20 miles, although it moves every day. I think it is walking here.
The only thing I’ve learned from scary movies is to avoid pale children
If I was stuck on a desert island with only one record, I would want it to be the record for being able to swim the farthest.
If I ever meet you and you don’t look anything like your avi,you’re buying drinks for me until you do
I don’t know what this is or why this is but it is and what I want is for it to be elsewhere
-Me about my kid’s toys
Let’s hear it for the staff in this branch of Maplin, still able to crack funnies ahead of their store’s impending closure …
Guys, I really think 50 Shades missed out on a really a big marketing slogan…
“CLIMAX IN IMAX”
What’s the difference between carbon monoxide and spouses?
Carbon monoxide is a silent killer.
I heard girls like guys that are mysterious so I just put a fog machine under my bed
Power went out in the house so the family and I sat on the couch and talked.
We learned we actually have stuff in common. Like, we all hate that the power was out.
Do you have to go to the bathroom?
No
You sure?
Yes
How about now?
No
Now?
No
[movie begins]
Daddy?
FOR CRYING OUT LOUD
There’s something strangely unsettling about the petting zoo selling hamburgers.
*after accidentally dropping my phone off a cliff and directly into a vat of grape jelly, hosing it down, then dropping it again onto a highway where it gets stampeded by a herd of elephant, picking it up and trying to reply to a text*
ugh, I don’t know why my phone’s being weird
Dads! Please say the whole of the sentence in the same room.
Thanks.
Hubby just choked after he bit into a grape and it squirted down his throat….
Not as easy as it looks is it?
Sure, everyone thinks a chubby dude in a diaper shooting people with a bow & arrow is cute until I do it at Starbucks & please send bail.
*puts on wrestling mask*
*stretches*
*runs in place*
*cracks knuckles*Me: Let’s do this!
Kid: It’s just thumb wrestling, lady.
Me: Bring it, loser!
Damn girl, are you a maple tree? Cause I would tap that, and you have an impressive root structure which is where this metaphor falls apart.
Cellmate, menacing: what are you in for
Me, thru gritted teeth: breaking the law
“Will I live, doctor?”
“Did you post your diagnosis on Facebook?”
“Yes.”
“How many likes?”
“Six.”
“Sent prayers?”
“Four.”
“You’re a goner.”
Meg: “I can’t believe my Gen Z parents named me Megalovania. Now I’m too embarrassed to tell people my full name.”
Fred: “You think YOU have it bad??”
Meg: “Oh pipe down, Fivenightsatfreddys…”
The worst thing about millennial parents is that they name their pets human names and their kids pet names. They be like:
“Luna, don’t take Josh’s cone off, he just got spayed!”.
I’m a self-made hundredaire
A remake of The Ring, except it’s Jeff Goldblum joyfully crawling out of your TV.
Some girl I don’t even know has been telling people that I’m her boyfriend. I’m flattered but I prefer to be the psychotic one in the relationship.
Wife *returns home* anyone called?
Me: yeah, 5 called the baby an idiot.
Check out this list number 5 is awesome.
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5.awesome