I think we can all agree if the ancient Egyptians had twitter there would be no pyramids.
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Son: Dad, I want to be in politics when I grow up.
Dad: Are you insane?
Have you completely lost your mind?
Are you a moron?Son: Forget it! There are way too many requirements!
SHUT UP. BEES CAN’T SPELL.
[speed dating]
*takes his temperature*
obliviously driving m y car through chernobyl , absorbing lethal anmounts of radiation while looking for cute girls
I’d rather my kid bring home head lice than another goddamn fundraising form.
I didn’t believe in karma until I was scheduled to work at 6am on a holiday.
ENGLAND: people are CROSSING OUR BORDERS for ECONOMIC ADVANCEMENT!!!
THE ENTIRE GODDAMNED WORLD FROM LIKE 1583 to 1997: u don’t say
I just coughed so loud the neighbors set their house on fire and drove away.
Autocorrect changed ‘get a life’ to ‘get a wife’ and now my daughter is a lesbian.
“Pecan” sounds like Yoda telling someone he is able to go to the bathroom.
*orders sushi for delivery*
*throws towel over aquarium*
I love that Amazon hires data scientists to figure out that based on my excessive paper towel purchase history I likely have two kids and a cat
Amazon Prime would be a good title for a Wonder Woman movie.
My cat’s name is Isis, so you can imagine my horror when I turned on the news and saw “Isis believed to be allied with Al-Qaeda”
Do you ever take a bunch of pills, forget that you took a bunch of pills, take a bunch more pills, and then die? I know. Me TOO.
My kids wanted to bake something and now we have to move
– a parenting memoir
If you ever wanted to watch another human take 20 minutes to eat 1 slice of bread because all of a sudden they were soo hungry, then kid bedtime™️ might be right for you
If anyone needs to make a fake snowy winter wonderland, for a nominal fee I can come and exfoliate on your front lawn.
basketball’s all like gimme that pumpkin i need it and golf is all like ***k this egg imma hit it into the sun
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and a dog that does karate
Please checkout my YouTube channel and learn how to quickly remodel your kitchen in only three years.
Couple down the street from us celebrated 53 years of marriage the other day.
I asked the wife “how did you do it?”
She said “my knees tired”.
They go to church every Sunday so I THINK she meant pray.
But Jesus Christ i just ain’t all the way sure.
if someone finds my voodoo doll please shave its legs
Me having to explain to another kid’s dad why he can’t come to my kid’s birthday party
Husband: *opens the bathroom door and walks out*
Me: *texts him from Target* Turn off the lights and wash your hands!
Not to brag, but I remember to take the cap off of a water bottle 75% of the time before taking a drink.
[visit to zoo]
See kids? All these animals have to live here in cages because they woke daddy up early one time.
FOOL people into thinking you’re a time traveller by angrily demanding what year it is
Can you imagine the pressure Morgan Freeman’s mom felt reading him a bedtime story?
*shouting like a carnival barker* Worry, worry, worry!