Just found all my fan letters to Wolverine my wife “promised” she mailed stuffed behind the couch. I’m livid.
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Check out @funTweeters. Laughing until I was crying!
Me: [starts singing quietly to myself while doing dishes]
My 5-year-old, who regularly screams for no reason: Stop that
Who wants to hear about my father’s colonoscopy? He apparently thought I did.
I ejected a usb drive unsafely back in 2008 and it’s been growing ever since. I can’t open the door to my office anymore. My assistant was still in there I’m so sorry Bert
You look like the kind of girl who would break my heart.
I have a boyfriend.
See, you’re done it already.
Me [a security guard]: they now control the north lawn and are moving into the parking lot
Supervisor: be that as it may, i will not agree to let you “taser a goose”
pirate: walk the plank
someone’s dad: is this teak?
me: *dipping broccoli in fondue* check it out im skinny dipping lol
waiter:
me: get it cuz its a vegetable haha
waiter: where are ur clothes
I hope that when everyone returns to my office they appreciate the pole I installed in the conference room. I can’t wait to show them the routine I’ve worked so hard on
Welcome to your fifties, your movie reviews are no longer thumbs up or thumbs down, they’re did I fall asleep or stay awake.
*pronounces “naked” like “baked”
It’s amazing how one freaking mouse can make you clean the entire damn house.
Nothing says “Proper Retirement Planning” like a garbage can full of losing lottery tickets
Marrying a person isn’t the only way to get someone to take your name, there’s also identity theft #MondayMotivation
Reading my shopping list and finding “a shit ton of oats” clearly in goat handwriting again
[Me narrating a documentary on spiders] OH GOD GROSS OH JESUS DISGUSTING THERE’S ONE ON ME RIGHT NOW ISN’T THERE OHMYGODOHMYGODOHMYGOD
SON: Dad, can you call me an uber?
ME: You’re an uber!
SON: No, with your phone
ME: Oh, sorry [types]
SON: [gets text] “You’re an uber!”
A shoutout to the jackass that stole my ATM card. I hope you enjoy your $3.62.
disney ceo: live action little mermaid
animator: yep
ceo: it’s in the ocean
animator: got it
ceo: coral reefs
animator: understood
ceo: lots of fish
animator: [nose suddenly bleeding] i don’t- what is.… finsh?
Here’s this year’s kid-friendly Halloween joke:
Why didn’t the skeleton cross the road?
Because he didn’t have the guts!
Happy Halloween 🎃
Hungover? Hydrate. Depressed? Hydrate. Want to make a good first impression on others? Hydrate.
LOL at people with only 99 problems
What’s that like?
If you blast Foreigner’s “I Want To Know What Love Is”, the naked old guys in the gym locker room cover up pretty damn quick.
The climate is probably out here trying to change for some man. Just be yourself, girl.
Don’t ask me for advice…I advocate breakups and crime.
Cop: how long will it take you to hack into the kidnapper’s computer?
Me: idk, two, three hours?
Cop: you have fifteen minutes
Me: then the kid’s gonna die dude
Cop:
Me: I mean you really should have called me sooner
ME: I’m single and ready to Pringle.
CASHIER: I have never seen somebody buy that many tubes.
i hate when you’re boiling an egg and it gets a crack in it and the egg’s ghost escapes. very scary and i don’t like it
They say time flies when you’re having fun which would explain why I’m stuck in 1998.
Saw a man at the beach screaming, “SAVE ME..I’m drowning”.
I instantly uploaded
his pic, captioned “1 like = 100 prayers” on facebook..!!