@Coops_Bradley: Just found out I'm pregnant. At least that's what this expectant mother sign for my parking spot says.
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@FunkyFresh_79: [runs inside of a gas station] "I NEED TO USE YOUR BATHROOM! IT'S AN EMERGENCY!" *takes a selfie in the bathroom mirror for an IG # game
@XplodingUnicorn: Kids: *doing something they shouldn't* Me: Stop or I'll be mad Kids: *keep doing it* Me: Stop or Mom will be mad Kids:*stop immediately*
@chris_isloi: So apparently "You can't tell me what to do, you're not my real dad!" isn't of much use when dealing with armed cops.
@robdelaney: Peter Jackson just found a postcard JRR Tolkien wrote his nephew in 1938. He's turning it into 22 nine-hour films.