True
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[zoo]
Hey dad, where are mountain lions from?
*dad panics*
-Uhh…you see, son, when a mountain and a lion love each other very much…
Me: ‘Anyway, I think the songs here are just kinda made up and pretty terrible.’
Priest: ‘This isn’t how confession works.’
Why are you mad at me because YOU’RE an idiot? I didn’t make you stupid.
Why do I have to answer security questions to pay my bills?
Ohmygod please tell me there are hackers out there trying to pay my bills….
When you’re married, every kiss begins with, “Have you brushed your teeth yet?”
The predictive text is coming from inside the horse.
I’m like Princess Peach in the way that I’m useless in a dress.
Locked in the target…STRIKE! 👀😏😂🐕
Blood is thicker than water. Maple syrup is thicker than blood. So pancakes are more important than family. There, I said it.
Pizza Hut: May I take your order?
Me: Can you make a large pizza vegetarian?
Pizza Hut: Yes, but don’t ever call me vegetarian again.
caller: listen carefully–we have a hidden camera in your hotel room. you need to…
me: pay you money? smuggle drugs???
caller: cover it up. and would a little cardio kill you?
Being a parent is having a nightmare about your child on the loose with magic markers
The guy in the office next to me is trying to save the company $1.7 million dollars from the IRS. Meanwhile I’m busy googleing “whale dongs”
On a poster in my math class “4 out of 3 people have trouble with fractions” The sad thing is my first thought was “Oh good, I’m not alone!”
The heat has gotten so bad on the East Coast that it’s now routine to see large men wiping their brows with slightly smaller, drier men.
My signature move is to tell men that I can’t hear them because I have my headphones in when I quite visibly don’t have headphones in.
My husband is on the roof – only a few inches away from an insurance claim that could completely change my life.
How do typists like their apple pie?
With a little bit of qwerty cream.
I love it when waiters tell me to tell them when to stop grating cheese on my meal.
It’s cheese, dude. We’ll be here a while.
*gets dragged out of daycare* DON’T LISTEN TO THEM! IT’S NOT A CHOO-CHOO! IT’S A SPOON!! IT’S STRAINED CARROTS IN A SPOO
*holds seashell to ear*
[ocean sounds]
[ocean sounds]
[“Remember to click ‘subscribe’ & to rate & leave a com-]
*throws shell into the sea*
PILOT: we’ll be experiencing some cabin pressure changes
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: *sits down next to me* so have you thought about going back to school
Him: My stomach is aching, I knew I shouldn’t have swallowed that rope.
Me: Are you serious?
Him: I shit you knot.
Anything can be a flamethrower if you set it on fire and then throw it
girlfriend: I’m sick of you having no sense of direction
me: where did that come from
I buy ribbed condoms, it makes my balloon Armadillos more realistic
GIRLFRIEND: I’m breaking up with you
ME: Is it because I thought cleavage was a period in history where they fought with only axes?
HER: Yes. Yes it is.
My boss yelled at me for napping at work, even though I had a clearly posted “do not disturb” sign.
The people who invented cars were called the automan empire. Also the people who invented weight training are called history buffs. Knowledge is power.
When I told someone at work I didn’t have plans for Halloween because I’m not 5 y/o, she seemed stunned. I guess I really do look young.