Just found out my birthday is the same day I was born…
Life is crazy…
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“gravy is not a beverage.” ok well that’s why I was trying to drink it in the bathroom, so you wouldn’t see me
If one ex was drowning and the other was
dangling from a cliff-edge and you had one set of
ropes to save them….where would you hide it?
Rock-a-bye-baby is my favorite nursery rhyme about the tragic consequences of putting babies in trees.
According to my iPhone Health app, I walked 1,787 steps around this Golden Corral buffet tonight …. So I got that going for me.
Me: Did you look in your purse?
Her: OF COURSE I LOOKED IN MY PURSE, I’M NOT AN IDIOT!
Me:
Her: [looking in purse] You’re not going to believe this…
Some of you should be ashamed of yourselves. You know who you are. I probably should be too, but this isn’t about me.
Genie: you still have 2 wishes left. you sure you don’t want to use them?
Me: [eating cheesecake] nope I’m good
Genie: alright then [disappears]
Me: [finishes cheesecake] oh no
Birds do it & no one bats an eye. One time I shit on a windshield & suddenly it’s arrests & psych evaluations.
I didn’t expect to have such strong feelings when the subtitles said smooching while the actors were kissing.
Me: Well, time to go to bed.
[lies down, pulls sheet up, closes eyes]
Anger: Feel that rapid heart beat?
Me: I do.
Anger: You’re thinking about how Nellie Breton didn’t invite you to her pool party in 12th grade.
Me: Damn it.
I’ll bet crowds were super disappointed every time Abraham Lincoln took the stage & didn’t pull a rabbit out of that hat.
guy at the gym: hey can you spot me
me: ya you’re not even hiding
*primitive gungans defeat battle droids*
*Stone Age ewoks beat elite stormtroopers*
*improbable underdog story defeats logic and reason*
“I wonder what drinking fur would be like?”
~ Inventor of orange juice with pulp
Ladies, if a guy tells you “Leggings aren’t pants,” tell him “You’re welcome.”
Do you think the earth is flat? Blink once for no, have a lobotomy for yes.
In Europe, her milkshake brings all the boys to the meter.
I’ve always taught my children that no matter what race or religion, all good looking people deserve respect.
Jesus has seen me naked and that’s why he made me funny.
Piñatas are a great way to teach kids about murdering animals for food.
One interesting thing I learned in my thirties is that you can leave a bar before it closes.
My dog is in a music video so needless to say he has accomplished more in life than I have.
me *stops crying*
doctor
me
doctor: And no more fast food
me *starts crying again*
PeeWee’s Playhouse gave me very unrealistic expectations of how much fun I would have with my furniture
Me in my 20s: wakes up in the morning and hops out of bed
Me in my 40s: wakes up and sits on the edge of the bed for 43 minutes preparing my body to walk again.
‘I HATE drama!’ -Dramatic people
“I Spy” is the easiest game to win at cause you can just keep being like “nope that’s not it”
ME: honey, just tap me on the arm tonight if you think I’ve gotten too drunk
WIFE: I’ve been tapping your arm for the last 2 hours
Playing car dealership with my son, we rearranged the lot.