Just found out my old gym is a 5 Guys now
Renewed my membership this morning
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Amazon: your package will be delivered on Wednesday
me: WHEN IS THAT
I can’t believe the atomic bomb was dropped from a plane. How the hell did that get through airport security
HILLARY: i’m sick and tired of these baseless accusations
THE MEDIA: aha! you see?! she admits it! not only is she sick, she’s also tired!
Some people like to drink coffee for an adrenaline rush. Not me. Apparently, I like to go grocery shopping at the busiest time of the day, pick the longest checkout line, and forget my wallet.
“Oh my gosh, this is the biggest donut I’ve ever seen.”
“Mam, that’s a tire.”
“Kids, get me a napkin.”
Next time you’re having a bad day just remember that alligators spend their whole lives looking like they’re trying to do a push-up.
Keep your friend’s toast and your enemy’s toaster.
I’m so sick of tv and movies where the point is there are no likable characters. I don’t need to spend an hour with people I hate, I already have my life.
Me: Just one more hit. I need it.
Him: *crying* Think about what you are doing to our family. Please.
Me: *hits snooze button*
“There Will Be Blood” is my favorite movie that answers the question, “Will blood be there?”
I’m not saying this dive bar is extra sketchy, I just figured I’d warn you that I was just in a knife fight with a cockroach in the bathroom
Digital security in Ancient Troy
All of my horoscopes lately have started with “Ok, don’t freak out but…”
The best way to get me to agree with you is to be attractive.
What do you mean the project is DUE TOMORROW?!
– a parenting memoir
One man. One dream. One crazy summer. Three wizards. Fourteen cobras. Ten thousand condoms. I dunno, I’m just listing things.
Coffee cause nowadays there’s just too many cameras in the world to get away with anything.
Saw a girl wearing a hoodie, shorts and UGGs. My stepdaughter said, “Seasonally challenged sluts are the worst.” I am beyond proud.
5-year-old thought it was living room and dying room as opposed to living room and dining room. No wonder meal times have been so stressful.
Funny that Lebron couldn’t even finish a game due to cramps when RoboCop saved all of Detroit without even having his own legs
Just got my first HOA slap on the wrist and now I want to take pictures of everything my neighbors are doing wrong. This is how wars start.
We DID NOT walk 500 mile.
And we WOULD NOT walk 500 more.~ The Disclaimers.
me: see you tomorrow
coworker: ok it’s a date[later]
me, thinking to myself: a date? but that could lead to affection, intimacy and eventually, love[the next day]
coworker: *just doing work stuff like any other day*
me: *in HR desperately seeking a transfer to Argentina*
“I think I have Ebola.”
“JUST DO YOUR DAMN HOMEWORK!”
I just saw a girl hang half her body out the window of her car to give someone the finger. She is my spirit animal.
Try that* in a small town.
*not joining a pyramid scheme run by an ex cheerleader.
Ever look in a mirror wondering about the stranger staring back & then realize it’s your neighbor’s window and they’re calling the cops?
I’M GONNA OWN THIS YEAR!!!
*buys goldfish
*calls it ‘This Year’.
If I was haunted by three spirits, one of them would definitely be tequila.