Imagine having a party on purpose.
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Just Friends is my favorite movie that shows fat guys how to get out of the friendzone through perseverance and becoming Ryan Reynolds.
Me: I want more
Dentist: excuse me?
Me: you know how you take teeth out?
Dentist: yea
Me: do that but the opposite
Just once in movies when someone gently shuts a dead person’s eyes I want them to whisper “Ew, ew, ew, ew.” while doing it.
*quits cold turkey*
*looks for ’emotionally available’ turkey*
Good cop: frisks you
Bad cop: takes his time
PMS: Going to the dentist?
ME: Yeah.
PMS: Gonna tell him what happened?
ME: *flashback of biting into an ice cream container*
Nah.
mousepads sound like groovy places for hip mice
Been to the hospital to get a mole checked. Apparently they all look like that & I should’ve just left it in its hole in the garden.
After my second “oh shit that’s crazy” it’s time to wrap up your story.
[on drive home]
i cant believe you said “don’t bother” when my dad said he’d be there in spirit
“i don’t want ghosts at our wedding linda”
If you need some deep cleaning done today, find someone with ADHD who has a paper due tomorrow morning
Me: *my toddler might eat this healthy food if he can dip it in ketchup*
Toddler: *eats the ketchup by itself*
Very good! 👍😂
Is “drunk” an emotion?
Because if it is, I am feeling SUPER emotional right now….
The government is worried aliens will invade us but I’m worried the aliens will be sexy. I’m in my 30s. I’m ready to settle down. I’m too old to have a crush on someone living 6 or 7 galaxies away. Long distance is hard enough on the same planet. It’s just not realistic.
Tubi just be putting anything on here… I just saw me walking by. 🤦🏽♀️
Batman could have used his wealth to help Gotham’s poor and disenfranchised. But no, we really needed another violent leather fetishist.
[car in front of me stops to turn, forcing me to slow down slightly]
ME: I hate you
I don’t understand why the pediatrician runs hearing tests, all you have to do is open a tub of ice cream 2 floors away in the middle of the night and you can tell if your kid can hear
Is that a banana in your pocket because to be honest my potassium is really low and
When my goldfish starts acting like a jerk I remind him that his bowl is microwave-safe
Change is always hard….
Especially when a jar of it falls on your head.
doctor: what seems to be the problem
t-rex: I cant feel my legs
doctor: go on
t-rex: because I’ve got little arms
doctor: get out
*finally detangles ear buds
*plane lands
Oh.
You have a boyfriendBut…
can he do this…( flexes flab )
Instead of saying “I’ll use the wheelchair ramp,” I like to say “I’m hitting the slopes.”
USPS: does this package contain any perishables
me, in a cake, in the box: I’LL BE FINE
I’m sorry but did they sacrifice a human sized pop tart on live tv or was that a fever dream
Me: “I’m still tired from all the crossfit this morning.”
My co-worker: “It’s pronounced ‘croissant’ and you ate 4 of them.”