Just Friends is my favorite movie that shows fat guys how to get out of the friendzone through perseverance and becoming Ryan Reynolds.
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learn just enough tap dancing just to tap dance out of the room when you win an argument
90% of parenting is making up rules. 10% is trying to remember them.
If a necromancer isn’t someone who gives you hickies, then I’m not interested.
The story of Narcissus falling in love with his reflection is a little far-fetched.
*takes 87 selfies*
[Uncle Sam opening gifts at his July 4 birthday celebration]
*sigh* another stars and stripes top hat
Sunday
You know you’ve ordered too much take-out when they give you three sets of plastic utensils.
I had a call from a charity asking me to donate old clothes for starving people. I told them anybody who fits into my clothes isn’t starving
interviewer: so mr long legs what are your qualifications for the position of web designer
spider: haha, mr long legs was my father, you can call me daddy
I made a female coworker cry on her birthday. For future reference, “I thought you were way older than that” is not a compliment.
Guy next to me is doing a crossword puzzle, so I’m about to start dropping some big words in case he wants to ask me for help
Long story short, I accidentally left the cat in the refrigerator.
“You’re just not my cup of tea” I say to someone else’s cup of tea.
I’m so out of touch with pop culture. My 5-year-old asked if DJ Marshmello was an actual marshmallow and I had to google it.
Who called it a henhouse attendant …
and not a chicken tender ?
[Last supper]
Jesus: Same time next week guys?
*they all nod*
Judas: I’ll book a table for 12
Jesus: you mean 13
Judas: yeah..13, I meant 13
I’m a go with the flow kind of gal unless the flow is after 9pm or involves people I don’t know or parallel parking.
Imagine if a centipede had to cut its toenails.
The “self-lubricated catheter” and the “discreet pocket catheter” have me rethinking what role catheters ought to be playing in my life.
My husband went to a lawyer luncheon thing and the lawyer he sat beside turned out to be my ex boyfriend from college. When they realized the connection he told my husband, “She always had me laughing. Is she still funny?” And my sweet husband said, “Not in the slightest.”
[me narrating a documentary about narrators]
“I can’t hear what they’re saying cuz I’m talking”
“People are acting crazy” says the interviewed shopper with the shopping cart piled high.
Just got a Life Alert bracelet. Now, if I get a life, I’ll immediately be alerted…
The reason sex with a vampire doesn’t usually result in pregnancy isn’t because their sperm is dead, it’s because the vampire can’t come inside without an invitation.
Thank you for coming to my HaunTED Talk.
at my high school reunion everyone kept asking where my date was so I finally told them my dog ate him. no one laughed
I don’t do exercise bc one time I kneed myself in the face doing a burpee
Stranger: Twitter is awful.
Me: It really isn’t most people are nice.
Stranger: But there are bad people…
Me: Sure, I just block them.
Stranger: See…there…you can’t do that in RL.
Me: Yes, you can….watch….(walks away from them).
Just caught my cat stealing my bank card off the table and now I regret telling him all my pin numbers ‘just in case’
I sold a lawn mower on facebook marketplace today. That’s the last time my neighbor wakes me up by mowing his lawn at 6:30 am.
One cake enters. No cake leaves.