@ryaninco: Just gave all of my money to Charity, she gives a hell of a lap dance.
YOU MIGHT ALSO LIKE
@PaperWash: Things more likely to kill you than Ebola: - choking on a wheat thin - erotic asphyxiation - falling off the toilet - a duck with a gun
@BrettDruck: I have bad fight or flight instincts. Guy wants a fight in an elevator, I try to run. Truck heading straight at me 45 mph, let's do this bro
@theshamingofjay: I change Siri to a man's voice and now it doesn't answer any more questions and turns off for hours
@iinkedZombie: [courtroom] Me: "I OBJECT YOUR HONOR" Judge: on what grounds? "LEGAL MUMBO JUMBO" Prosecutor: he's good Judge: *slams gavel* case dismissed.