@ryaninco: Just gave all of my money to Charity, she gives a hell of a lap dance.
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@joeldanger: Her: Men are lucky. You just get to wake up & be hot. Me: Not true. I still have to put my contacts in so I can see how hot I look. H: ...
@PeterClayton6: If you say 'my cocaine' really loudly, you will sound exactly like Michael Caine saying his own name. I will never get tired of this.
@SardonicTart: 10: Mom what's a metaphor? Me: My life is a train wreck. 10: I know Mom, but what is a metaphor?
@yoopnative: I'm broke but not "vacuums the air filter* instead of replacing it" broke. *more than twice.