Just gave my next door neighbor a giant bag of candy to dump in my sons trick or treat bucket on Halloween so I can go home after one house.
You Might Also Like
Her: but why aren’t the candles ON the cake?
Me: it’s not a birthday cake, Denise. it’s a summoning tart.
Flipped over my therapist’s writing pad and it was just a New York Times crossword with “shut up” written in every blank.
How often do you think Jennifer Aniston uses the line “I’m not here to make Friends?”
When a child tells you that they have to go potty, you’re about five minutes from too late.
“losing/taking virginity”
– turns sex into an object
– places pressure on the decision
– you don’t actually lose or take anything ?“sexual debut”
– exciting
– all focus is on u
– suggests a musical number is involved
TEACHER: if i have 5 apples and take away 2, what’s left
KID: your left or my left
Grandma baked a cake for the team but her use of punctuation made it sound sarcastic
It’s very 2024 because I was just so impressed with how thick that store’s checkout bags are. I was like, “Such nice bags. Oh wow. So sturdy! Usually plastic bags are like tissue paper thin. These, now THESE bags are some serious bags. They can HOLD stuff. These are for me? Wow”
OMG I’M SO OLD AND OUT OF TOUCH WITH POP MUSIC WHAT SONG DOES BREXIT SING
you know what ruined my childhood? children
Ever think vampires just lied about hating garlic now we’re just out here seasoning ourselves for them?
Saw a TV at the dumpster with a sign that said ‘free TV’ and boy do I feel stupid, I paid $200 for the last TV sitting at a dumpster
i hate it when Darth Vader puts eggs in my mailbox and then rides away on a kids tricycle
*Watching a commercial where someone is rock climbing*
*Do not attempt flashes across the screen*
Me: *hasn’t left the couch in 12 hours*
“Okay.”
Me: I had a meeting with your teachers. They had a lot of good things to say about you, including that you’re super, super smart.
6-year-old: Wait, wait, go back. How many supers?
This guy I was talking to asked if he had to worry about a boyfriend or husband that would get mad at him for dating me, so I asked him, “why, you can’t fight?”
Anyways, that’s how I ended up blocked
nothing worse than an american ‘alcoholic’ who enters rehab because they drink in a month what a normal british person would on a two hour train journey.
Ebola has been in the US for 1 day and people are already wearing masks. AIDS has been here for 55 years and fools still don’t use a condom
When you put :/ at the end of your text I know you had a terrible stroke and call 911.
Never play chess with a British person. Their queen never dies.
David Copperfield: Ok I want everyone in the audience to think of a color. Ready? Ok, is your color grey?
Audience full of Dogs: OMG!
WIFE: The fire department is at the front door again
ME: *hiding my mixtape* Do they look mad?
My kitten runs away when the kids come near her, and now I’m mad that I never thought to try that myself.
Good cop: frisks you
Bad cop: takes his time
At this stage in my life, I’m chasing a fly in the apartment with my pants around my ankles. All of my decisions in life led to this moment.
Turns out men don’t like being asked when their due date is either
Hogwarts doesn’t teach anything but magic because if one wizard learns law the school with a child-bludgeoning tree is the first thing getting sued.
I’ve had my phone battery die at a family function. Nothing scares me now.
My neighbour called out “cheer up” today so I asked if he was moving house
boss: i need u to reschedule our meeting to 10am
me: [reschedules meeting to 10am]
boss: [declines]