Just gave this idiot a thumbs up for cutting me off, and I think I might not understand road rage.
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Oliver Twist: “Please sir, I want some more!?”
Manger: “Kid, you do realize this is a buffet?”
BOB THE BUILDER: Can we fi-
MACGYVER: Done.
[Last supper]
Jesus: Same time next week guys?
*they all nod*
Judas: I’ll book a table for 12
Jesus: you mean 13
Judas: yeah..13, I meant 13
love it when they get my name right
grandmas be like imma stay for a few days and reset your children back to factory settings
I don’t get the objection to gays adopting.
Simba was adopted by two guys & I think everybody would agree he turned out to be quite badass.
20 yrs from now they’ll make a movie on how Leonardo DeCaprio never won an Oscar. Plot twist the actor playing him wins an Oscar.
It’s Saturday night and I just saw a guy with a ponytail and tinted lenses. Somewhere, a tarantula is home alone
Imagine the carnage at an IKEA team building event.
Maybe Bowser is mad at Mario because he’s terrible at plumbing, flooded with castle with lava, and left exposed unfinished pipes everywhere…
I’ve been up for 20 hours. There’s no way I could perform surgery right now. Mainly, because I have no medical training.
[me on a ledge]
COP: (through megaphone) WE’VE CALLED SOMEONE WHO CAN HELP!
*Kris Kross steps out of a police van*
Six words that strike fear in the hearts of parents everywhere:
You’ve been volunteered as a chaperone
ME: Where are the posters?
WIFE: THEY JUST DISAPPEARED!
[In other room]
*cat is furiously stuffing missing dog posters into paper shredder*
Can’t speak for all women but generally I’ll just keep nagging until you agree with me, sometimes even after that. You know, for sport.
I carry tumbleweed so I can let it roll across the floor during awkward silences.
When witches and warlocks correspond about their carnal passions, they’re hexting
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If someone is jogging at 7am on a Sunday – it’s because they’ve just killed someone right?
Wiccan pigs: Basically we’ll need 100 grand to start our deli.
Loan Officer: Proposed name?
WP: Hamwitches
[long pause]
LO: Hell yes.
I hope my family appreciates the irony when I choke to death on one of these enormous daily multi-vitamins.
If my wife takes any longer to get ready to go out, she’ll need to go and shave her legs again!!
“Said no one ever.” -Said everyone on Twitter.
Veterinarian: Curiosity killed the cat.
Dog: Sure, go with that.
*after eating 5300 calories of chinese food in 1 sitting* is nausea a symptom of covid
When I say I’m tired, the “of people” is silent
*pays $2100 to have 17’s wisdom teeth pulled
*puts teeth under my pillow to try to recoup some of that money
I handle stress the way cats bathe in water.
Heading to the hairdresser after lockdown like