Just gonna take a nice stroll across the OMG ABORT ABORT!!!!
– squirrels
You Might Also Like
My sister forgot the words for “national anthem” and just suggested we learn the “Canadian Theme Song.”
Samwell: My dog, Pongo?
Daenerys: Run over by a carriage.
Samwell: My goldfish, Goldie?
Daenerys: Eaten by the cat.
Samwell: My cat?
Daenerys: Choked on the goldfish.
“I just died in your arms” sounds much more romantic than “You’re holding a dead body.”
One fist-bump from a cool black dude is worth 5 years of my parents loving me.
One of the downfalls of sleeping with a fan and then the power going out is your kid asking what that weird noise is and it’s just you breathing normally.
Apparently “A shit ton” is not the correct response when a girl scout asks how many boxes.
[morning after getting drunk]
age 23: did i make out with that guy
age 36: did i wash my face
My wife bought me gym shorts like I’m gonna run to the kitchen for some more nachos.
just got vinegar in my eye so I totally get it, girls who get vinegar in their eye
me: the grinch robbed me! I woke up to iron my christmas jeans—
whoville 911: what was that
me: the grinch robbed me
whoville 911: no the weird part
Holiday tip: remember, you only have a few days left to drop out of people’s lives to avoid buying gifts. You’re welcome.
Them: dial 911!
Me: this thing can make calls?
All I need to know about you is defined by whether you ask for a cup or a cone when ordering ice cream
judge: how can this be your defense?
me: how was I to know he wasn’t cake?
It’s only a matter of time before the zombies are afraid to eat our brains because we’re such idiots.
[phonecall w criminal]
FBI Agent: keep him on the line for 2 more minutes
me: ok.. *twirling phone cord* no you hang up. haha no you hang up
PROSECUTOR: never? Not once in all the time you have lived at the defendant’s house?
MY CAT: I have never been fed, your honor
Watermelon. The fruit that comes with a workout.
Person: how does writing work?
Writer: well you type & you delete. You rethink. Then you do 187 min of research & correct it. You reread & wonder if you have a grasp of English. Then you revise
Person: then you’re done with the book?
Writer: then you move to the next sentence
There’s a crying baby on my bus and I’m all “shut up baby, you’re not the one going to work.”
Tried to take a drink of water while lying flat on floor and was immediately reminded of my place in the universe.
On the street or subway you can only imagine what that idiot is thinking. On Twitter, you get to see what that idiot is thinking.
HOT SINGLES IN YOUR AREA ARE HIDING BEHIND THE CORNER. THEY ARE GOING TO JUMP OUT AND TAKE YOUR PHONE, WALLET AND PURSE.
i’ll see your “live laugh love” sign and raise you an “ew, people”
[robot gleefully steals another job from a human]
[.0003 seconds later]
This is crap
Why did I even want this
What have I done
My sister and I are sat having KFC when she says she misses the lemon flavour packets they used to give out and I was like ??? they were lemon wipes for your hands?? and her face dropped.
Turns out she used to squeeze the lemon wipes onto her chicken 😭😂😭😂
aruba, jamaica / oooh, i wanna take ya
atlanta, las vegas/ uhhh that’s lots of places
vienna, then florence/ baaabe i can’t afford this
I always blame other people for my problems and it’s all your fault.
I feel guilty about being Asian because I didn’t start playing the violin since I was born.
For lent I gave up eating random crumbs I find on my desk