Just gonna wait to see how long it takes this police sketch artist to realize I’m describing him.
You Might Also Like
To see someone’s true savage nature, you must observe them eat crab legs at a buffet.
Interviewer: what is your greatest weakness?
Me: I think people find me intimidating
Interviewer (nervously): maybe it has something to do with the-
Me: OMG, it has nothing to do with the giant hawk perched on my shoulder
The first time your kids play together quietly and you skip checking in on them is the last time you don’t get up like a bat outta hell to see what’s up.
I like being a landlord for people I can feed noodles to all the time because they’re lo mein tenants.
Morpheus: If you take the red pill, I will show you what the Matrix is.
Neo: *ingests pill* Whoa.
Morpheus: It’s also a powerful laxative.
Happy Halloween! I am currently dressed as Schrödinger while simultaneously not dressed as Schrödinger.
You are what you eat.
*eats Ryan Gosling*
*crosses fingers*
The best things in life are free. Unless it’s herpes. Stay away from people who want to give you free herpes.
ME: *reading a tweet* What does fr mean?
WIFE: For real
ME: Yes Sharon. I wouldn’t ask if I didn’t want to know.
[cornerman sitting me down after the first round] ya gotta stop telling him you’re diabetic he doesn’t care
I’m pretty terrified of the possibility that you guys might crawl out of my phone like that girl in The Ring.
I got a text from an unknown number that said “Game on.”
It’s either a wrong number, or someone wants to wear my skin like a suit.
I go to the bank wearing a Ski mask because I want everyone to know how athletic I am.
There should be a dimmer on refrigerator lights so you’re not hit with full sunlight blast when you’re cruising for food at 3 a.m.
7yo: daddy did you know that the number eleven is odd?
me: yes
7yo: then why does it have the word even in it?
me:
Had my novel “Noah: The Early Years” rejected. They said the story lacks an ark.
Me: So excited for the weekend!
Predatory alien in disguise: Same here! Sooo easy to catch, right
M: Huh
P: The weakened
M: What
P: What
A service where I can hire a child actor to come to my home and pretend to love the cartoons I watched back in the day so my kids will think they’re cool and I don’t have to watch any of this new bullshit.
E-Harmony Rep: And here’s your starter cat-
Me: What?
Rep: Here’s your starter pack.
Me: You said cat.
Rep:
Me:
Rep:
Me:
Rep: *folder meows*
Me: Any news?
Doctor: I’m just waiting for your x-ray.
Me: But I’ve never dated anyone called Ray.
Doctor: And we might do a brain scan.
*Reads your ransom note*
*Edits for grammar and punctuation*
It would be cool if a jar of Nutella had more than one serving in it…
Every day, thousands of innocent plants are killed by vegetarians….
Help end the violence!!!
Eat BACON!!
WIFE: Kate’s new baby is 7lbs 11oz
ME:
WIFE: Roughly ½ a stone
ME:
WIFE: 3½ kilos
ME:
WIFE: [sigh] a four pack of beer
ME: Oh cool
EVERYONE FREEZE THIS IS A ROBBERY!
“What’s that?”
It…it’s a sawed-off shotgun.
“Aren’t you supposed to use the other half?”
…shit.
*rubs temples*
security guard: Hey you! Stop touching the historic buildings at this ancient religious site!!
I’ll kiss a close talker just to teach them a lesson.
impressing strangers by telling them i drive a Nissan Easy Bake Oven