Just got 30 minutes of cardio trying to pick up an ice cube from the kitchen floor.
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I thought we had something. You met my family, made me dinner, called me honey. Now suddenly you’re a “waitress” who was “doing her job?”
The 9-year-old in me thinks life is all about fun. But then I think, how long is it gonna take to digest this kid? I’m a huge python, btw.
I’m evidently not allowed to call our impatient billionaire customer “Captain Busypants”
Why are you mad at me because YOU’RE an idiot? I didn’t make you stupid.
If you like a girl in the gym aggressively walk up to her and say, “Hey babe, let me show you how that exercise is supposed to be done, sweetheart.” Instant phone number.
You can’t change your past but you can change your pasta.
Westjet tells you to show up 2 hours early, which usually means you’ll be arriving at the airport 8 hours before your flight leaves.
My mum tells me that she turns the internet off when she goes to bed, incase you’re wondering why your screen just went blank.
[Gameshow]
Host: “You are one question away from our grand prize. How do you feel?”
Me: “With my hands.”
Host: “Correct!”
*crowd goes nuts*
My kid: Hurts his eye putting on safety goggles
Alanis Morisette: *deep breath*
Before kids I only had to take the trash out once a week, now I forget it once and A&E is kicking in my door trying to film an episode of Hoarders
A horse, a penguin and a chimp walked into a bar and that’s when I realised I was drunk.
1) In the interest of time, would ye noble patriots please provide a list of infractions punishable by spontaneous public execution? Thanks!
[first day working at a duty-free shop]
manager: here’s your list of duties
me: wtf
I don’t have a favorite vampire. If you ask me, they all suck.
Haven’t exercised in so long that my Fitbit just sent me a friend request.
“you recording!?”
“What do you mean “He used his mind?”
“I mean he never touched the gates. He destroyed them with his mind!”
“Oh my god…we’ve got a mad telekinetic duck on our hands. Get me the president!”
How many boxes of Girl Scout cookies are in a serving?
Please can I keep him – he followed me home!
“Dad, these glasses make everything look much bigger!”
*Snatches glass and hands to my wife
My cat is bilingual. He ignores me in both English and Spanish.
me *sad*
toddler: You know what will make you happy?
me: What?
toddler: Taking me to McDonalds
1: Can I do the cancan?
2: You mean may, not can
1: Can I do the canmay?
2: No, the first can
1: Can I do the maycan?
2: No. May I do the cancan
1: No
What’s for dinner?
-A question asked by children who have no intention of eating the answer.
My husband got *me* a fitness game for the Nintendo for Christmas.
I was like “what are you trying to say?”
Now the kids are at level 130 and wearing themselves out daily while out of my hair.
Turns out he’s a great gift giver.
[Dr.]
“Your blood is 40% cheese, if you eat ANY more you’ll die”
*slowly raises piece of cheese to mouth*
“Don’t do it”
*eats cheese*
*dies*