Age is just a number….that now takes a really long time to scroll to.
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If pain is fear leaving the body, what gets the stupid out?
Just fully made my bed as if I’m not gonna crawl back inside the first chance I get.
Harmonicas are basically for people who like to hear music while they spit.
Overpopulation? Ban coffee. Humans will murder the shit out of each other.
I love the originality of Jack-in-the-Box’s marketing. Name one other fast food chain with a clown for a mascot.
When my 2 cats enter the living room at the same time I assume they’re about to tell us they’re getting divorced
You can’t embarrass me. My parents practiced disco dancing in our living room while my friends were over.
Rather than vote, let’s all fill out the 29 dimensions of what we want in a president and let eHarmony decide.
That awkward moment when someone asks if you’ve dyed your hair and you say no, its just clean.
1. Go to police station 2. Say a gang mugged you 3. Describe your own relatives to police sketch artist 4. Claim free family portrait
American Diner: How’d you like your eggs?
American: 2 egg golds, 2 egg blankets, Over – under, flip cut, tray wide smooth, smiley side West.British Cafe: Eggs?
British Person: please.
Most of the time I fall asleep before I figure out which remote does what again
Remember, your toilet is just afraid of you as you are of it.
The directions on every jar of anti-aging cream should read: “Apply liberally to face & neck 20 years ago.”
Porky Pig does it.
Winnie the Pooh does it.
Donald Duck does it.
Even Squidward does it.But when I walk around without pants on it’s, ”Put your hands up, get on the ground, and put your hands behind your back!”
If you’re a home repair guy a good business strategy is to follow guys home from Lowe’s after they buy a power washer and drop your business card in their mailbox.
Sharks: [losing teeth]
Tooth fairy: please stop
him: does this pillow feel lumpy
me: [sneaking a handful of shredded cheese out of the pillowcase] seems fine to me
WIFE: [holding newborn baby] Ive never been so proud of anything in my life
ME:[thinking about that one time I drew a perfect giraffe] same
my 4yo asked my favorite dinosaur and when I said t-rex he told me I couldn’t have it because that was his so I guess now I have to pick out a new 4yo
(Business)
Mike: It’s a sled. I call it the Mikesled.
Bob: I have a better idea.
My 4yo: Mommy do you know that a grownup could fit in a suitcase if they were really really flexible?
She’s making plans to dispose of my body y’all.
“Ok, identify the noun in this sentence. Timmy is stupid.”
Timmy: stupid?
“Exactly”
My boyfriend and I got couples tattoos today!!!!
PLEASE do not tell my husband
The prize for getting up early is to eat a worm? Birds are idiots
Brewmaster: Get out of there at once!
(Me, splashing giddily in vat): IT’S OK I’M WEARING UNDIES
Next time someone knocks on your bathroom stall say “Sorry, I’m with a client.”
This made me laugh more than it should’ve 😭
Someone should throw a huge bag of candy into a Tornado. People will be all like “Dude remember that day it rained Skittles?”
[Chasing a fox on my bike]
ME: How is he reaching the pedals?!