Just got a Life Alert bracelet. Now, if I get a life, I’ll immediately be alerted…
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Inside of you are two wolves. Inside of me are twenty one insane weasels. We are not the same
Me: “I poop when I’m nervous.”
Doctor: “How often does this occur?”
Me: “I’m extremely nervous right now.”
I called the neighbor boy a ruffian, and now I’m writing a terse note in calligraphy to send off to his mum via carrier pigeon.
Meg: “I can’t believe my Gen Z parents named me Megalovania. Now I’m too embarrassed to tell people my full name.”
Fred: “You think YOU have it bad??”
Meg: “Oh pipe down, Fivenightsatfreddys…”
People take air traffic control so seriously. Just have fun with it
Dear BJ’s,
Either your employees are very rude…
Or, the name of your store is terribly misleading.Sincerely,
An ‘Unsatisfied’ Customer
God: So you want me to swap you and your BF’s places
Kate Bush: Yes
God: What’s in this deal for me?
Kate Bush: I’d be running up that road
God:
Kate Bush: Be running up that hill
God:
Kate Bush: Be running up that building
God: Yeah, it’s a no. NEXT
Him: Where’d you get your red hair from?
Me: A box.
Drawing fake track marks on my arm so I don’t have to hold anyone’s baby at Thanksgiving.
File under excellent bookstore names.
Everyone is talking about the baby boom that’s coming nine months after quarantine, but no one is talking about how the divorce rate is gonna skyrocket.
CANADIAN: Let’s watch a movie
AMERICAN: Have you seen Titanic?
CANADIAN: What’s that about?
AMERICAN: Yes, it was. A huge one that sank
Wow, I wish people were into politics as much as they’re into sports.
*meets someone who’s really into politics*
Wow, I wish I was dead.
[interview]
BOSS: Any special skills?
ME: Skills?
BOSS: Like strengths
ME: Oh right. I’d say my vocabulary
BOSS: Hm…
ME: That means words
nobody: …
my dog: yay !! look dad, I’ve found the dried chicken foot I hid in the bedroom.
Whenever I hear someone call my name, my first instinct is to walk faster
Kissing a girl usually tastes like 3 bottles of wine, not cherry chapstick.
opening a flower shop called women in stem
To celebrate Boxing Day on Friday, I had a five minute training montage and beat the shit out of the biggest Russian I could find …
What if “my anaconda don’t want none unless you got buns, hun” was just Sir Mix-a-Lot saying that his pet snake is a picky eater and prefers bunnies.
*moisturizes hands*
*dies of starvation in the bathroom because I can no longer turn the doorknob*
To those that put something in a closet, close the door, hear something crash and walk away.
You are my people.
I just told my kids they’ll never beat me at the silent treatment and they fell for it. The last 10 minutes have been heaven.
Wife: I’m leaving you
Me: is it because I won’t stop quoting Spice Girls lyrics?
Wife:
Me: please, just tell me what you want what you really really want
My dog gives me attitude when getting his paws wiped off after being outside. It must be just awful to get rewarded with foot massages just for using the bathroom.
Doctor: have you been getting enough fiber?
Me: this summer I accidentally ate a fly
My son’s kindergarten teacher wanted to chat with me today because my son told his class that his mom died… and came back to life!
[aliens observing earth]
“Horse racing is the shit we gotta start doing that”
Does grape jelly go bad or do I just have wine jelly now?
REALTOR: what size home are you looking for?
OLD LADY WHO LIVED IN A SHOE: 11 , 11 1/2