Just got a Life Alert bracelet. Now, if I get a life, I’ll immediately be alerted…
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velma: another mystery solved gang. there’s no such thing as the supernatural, just ol’ fashioned trickery
scooby doo, the talking dog: rol’ rashioned rickery
Synchronized diving would be far more interesting without the pool.
I would watch Real Housewives if it was like Game of Thrones and they would occasionally and suddenly behead one of the main characters.
I don’t get Roomba commercials. Like who spills an entire box of cereal on the floor and is like eh leave it for the robot to clean up
i wish it was legal to speak up during a haircut if theyre doing something you dont want. sadly you just have to sit there
[talking to son on the phone]
“I ran away 3 weeks. You never called the police”
I’m sorry. We’ve been very busy with the holidays and all.
Me: My wife got me a telescope for Christmas.
Neighbor: Nice. I got-
Me: I know. I watched you guys open everything
*novela book bar*
bartender: let me guess books not booze
him: tequila …
bartender: ’bout time here you go
him: … mockingbird
bartender: there it is
i left 11 and 8 at home to run down the street to get tacos. when i came back 8 was out in the yard (3 acres) clipping the grass with tiny scissors. exactly what a drunk person would do.
The very first thing my 3yo daughter said to me this morning was “I know how to start a fire!” so nothing you guys say today can scare me.
my toxic trait is saying to myself “it’s only $20” 1500 times a week
I just bought some land with a stranger and now we have a lot in common.
My friend sent me a picture of her baby and I don’t have a baby so I just sent her back a picture of a steak I cooked once.
How does a hippie polygamist count his wives?
1. Mrs. Hippie 2. Mrs. Hippie 3. Mrs. Hippie 4. Mrs. Hippie
Protip: If a party guest says “I don’t dance” what he’s really telling you is “make my drinks stronger please”.
Me: Okay, now do one where I pretend to accept the award for best actress!!
Booking Police Officer: …
Spent morning at the farmers market carefully selecting fruits and vegetables to throw away next Saturday.
Hmmmmm
Bad news:
I got so busy drafting tweets, I forgot to pick the kids up at school.Worse news:
I’m a bus driver
Just once I wanna slide down a dinosaur at the end of my workday, is that so much to ask for?
Someone just called me the GOAT. That’s what I get for chewing on a tin can behind a barn.
Quick, is ANYONE on this plane a singer?
People are always impressed to hear that I graduated from Harvard at 16, but you can do anything you set your mind to if you just lie.
I’m guessing the best thing about being a zombie is knowing the dance routine to “Thriller”.
Husband: I emptied the dishwasher.
Me: Great work, honey! Maybe you could try it again when it’s clean.
Him: You seem super chill.
Me: You seem like a bad judge of character.
can I use a minion as a tampon
neurosurgeon: *removes my brain to blow on it and put it back in*
The cashier just checked me out.