Just got added to a list called “people.” Glad I made that cut.
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Him: I love birds.
Me: [trying to impress]
*smacks face into nearest window*
Boss: You gonna get any work done today?
Me: Sorry Boss, I was up late watching the game, I’ll pick it up.
B: Who won?
M: Jack Daniels
do u think spider-man ever shot a little of his own web in his mouth just to see what it tastes like
*arouses suspicion*
Suspicion: I have a boyfriend. But c’mere.
I just want to be the best that I can be without getting up
I don’t get the uproar over guns made with 3D printers. I mean how would anyone get a potential victim to put those glasses on anyway?
Spiraling into madness while watching the slow texter’s dots bounce
SON: Hey Dad, how come we never put a star on top of our Christmas tree?
T-REX: Just because okay
my kids: dad will you make us some grilled cheese?
me: how did you even find me? there’s like 12 bars in this town
My wife asked if I got everything at the store, I told her no just what wasn’t on the list.
Just farted loudly outside my office before checking to see if anyone was nearby. Nobody was. It’s called the #edge, & I am #livin on it
Please disregard what I said in an earlier tweet. Just learned the ducks in the park are not “free ducks” and you’re NOT allowed to take one
I trust Chick-fil-A so much that I don’t even check my bag and if they get my order wrong I just assume they know what’s best for me.
there are 2 kinds of people – those who tap their beer can before they drink, and those who have not yet been stung in the mouth by a wasp
the year is 2042. a man is fired for doing “the robot” in a mixed crowd of humans and androids at the company xmas party.
Isn’t
“Have you met my other half?”
– Former magician’s assistant and victim of tragic “sawing a woman in two” trick.
man: I’d like to return the boomerang I bought here.
customer service: do you have the boomerang?
man: no, that’s the whole problem
4: How do you spell no?
Me: Sound it out. What makes the na na na na na na na na na sound?
4: Batman?
(Spelling is hard)
9am: “Right, that’s my sandwich made ready for lunchtime”
9.05am: “Right, that’s that sandwich eaten”
Weird…the ChatGPT warnings are the same ones I have on my hinge profile…
I just finished cleaning the house for Thanksgiving, so if you’re looking for my family they’ll be in the backyard until Thursday.
I’m ashamed how many times Google’s had to correct my spelling. Yes Google, I meant Shih Tzu not shits zoo.
Vegans with children named ‘Hunter’ are why I lie awake at night.
me as a parent
My niece calls me her ankle. I call her my knees.
We are a joint family.
People in sleeping bags are the soft tacos of the bear world.
“do u have protection” i feel around for my nightstand. i open the drawer and pull a wrapper out. tearing it open with my teeth i send taco bell sauce everywhere. oh no. wrong drawer. that was my sauce drawer. “im gonna tell my friends bout ur sauce drawer.” the night is ruined
I count the fridge as one of my erogenous zones.
And for my next trick, I’m going to make this first date the last date.