Just got an email from dominoes said “easy and delicious” they sure know how to talk to a single guy!
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When asked what deceased historical figure I’d like resurrected to be my dinner companion, I always answer Einstein.
When told it’s an uninspired, clichéd choice, I clarify Milena Einstein.
Brit friend: Ugh. Brexit is a disaster. How are things over there?
Me: We”re in a ketchup war with Canada.
Sorry I rubbed your belly for good luck, wealth and prosperity.
Them: Awwww, congrats! Are you about 6 months along?
Me: Nah, just ate a burrito supreme.
Them: I THINK IT’S TWINS!!!
Renting a uhaul to make my neighbors think I’m moving and then pretending like I never met them when I see them next
How does a cricket know if his joke has bombed?
Me: are you going to be a better listener?
Pause
5: maybe is the best I can do
Me: How dare you accuse me of being drunk last night !?
Wife: You were laughing all night at the TV – that wasn’t even turned on!
Rather than vote, let’s all fill out the 29 dimensions of what we want in a president and let eHarmony decide.
[ opening mail ]
Her: The homeowners association made a new rule saying that we cannot display fake blood or any character from a horror film in the front yards of the neighborhood this year.
Me: What?!
Her: Guess you’ll have to do something nice using just pumpkins.
Me:
Cop: Do you know how fast you were going?
Me: Sorry, no, I fell asleep. Did I win?
ME: i trained my cat to talk
HER: let’s see
ME: name an object pronoun
CAT: me-
ME: what do u I say when I’m hurt
CAT: -ow
HER: this sucks
ME: patience
CAT: we’re just getting started, Linda
Maybe the caveman who discovered fire was wearing corduroys and running late for a meeting.
Whoa 😂
i used to side with chief brody but now i’m team mayor because the shark’s only gonna eat 1-2 more people & he’ll be stuffed. we’ll sell soo many shark toys
whenever I see “likes her own status” on facebook, a little bit of me dies and becomes a horcrux.
12653.
Neighbor: Help I have a plumbing emergency!
Me: *grabs tools*
Neighbor is naked and wet
Me: um what kind of plumbing are we talking about?
When you’re angry with someone, It helps to sit down and think about the problem .. 🤔
I just unlocked the “My House Was Robbed Because I Checked in on Foursquare” badge on Foursquare!
(Electricians.)
7yr old: I’m going to set a world record for walking in circles around this chair. “Alexa, set a time for 90 minutes.”
Me: Do you realize that’s an hour and a half?
7: Oh, “Alexa, set a timer for 5 minutes.”
why does every fantasy novel have to start like “He was from Treador, an island of the Kellestaron archipelago, some 5,000 leagues west of the Dribicular mountains but north of —“ YO I’M NOT FROM HERE, JUST TELL ME WHO HAS A SWORD AND WHAT THE SWORD IS NAMED
Judge: I find him… not guilty
*Tom Brady breathes a sigh of relief*
Cop: *cuffing him* So that’s where the air was, huh? We finally gotcha
Girl at restaurant: Hey, I like your shoes.
Me: Thanks! I’ll tell my feet.
[Smooth, Brian. Well done!]
I hate when all the silverware is dirty and I’m down to using the giant decorative fork that hangs on the wall.
date: what is this plate scribbled on with a marker
me: ah yes *kisses fingertips* my signature dish
Couldn’t find my protein shake this morning. I really had lost my whey.
The only fantasy I have in the bedroom these days is getting 7 hours of sleep.
me tracking my package 5 minutes after i just ordered it