Pretty messed up that every year I swallow 8 spiders.
And none of them ever call me again.
You Might Also Like
7-year-old: Can we leave the house?
Me: We could go for a walk.
7: And then what?
Me: Come back to the house.
7: I’ll just stay here.
Parenting is basically just punctuating every conversation with various commands:
“Yes, I like your picture. Put on your shoes.”
“My favorite color is yellow. Finish your breakfast.”
“No, fish don’t snore. Go brush your teeth.”
my uncle walked in to chistmas, filled a plate, ate in a separate room, and left. he was here 4 minutes
Marine biologists are just like regular biologists, only they have to do 20 push-ups after every experiment.
Sorry if I’m a little jumpy today. I had to open one of those biscuit cans this morning
My kid asked me for a boomerang so I handed him the apple that has gone back and forth in his lunch for the past week
I started this account 7 years ago today. I just want to thank all of you for reading my stuff and never showing up to my house.
I’ve got butterflies in my stomach this morning, and a lifetime ban from the Entomology section at the Natural History Museum.
Arranged to pick something up on facebay. On way there they text to say they’d sold to someone else. Stalked their profile until they posted they were in search of something. Said I had it. When they turned up, I told them I’d just sold it someone else instead.
[plays harmonica] is this kissing?
THERAPIST: you’re running from something. what do u think it might be?
[goose outside the window does throat-slitting motion]
ME: uh—failure
Therapist: You try too hard to get people to like you
Me: [painting her toenails] I need a “for instance”
[on the sixth question in two minutes]
4: what does “not” mean
me: I think you’re going to have to ask Alexa these questions.
4: but i’m trying to keep you busy.
My talents are so hidden that I can’t even find them
Liar is such a harsh term, I prefer Politician
My wife called me from her job at the Velcro factory.
She’s stuck at work again.
Some people have goals based on a summer body; mine revolve entirely around the weight limit of my beach chairs.
waiter: would you like the bill?
me: no
I can’t undo my mistakes. All I can do is make more mistakes and hope the original one gets diluted.
her: wanna come back to my place and watch a movie
me: sure
[at her place]
her: *waiting for me to make a move*
me: *pointing* that rat is actually really good at cooking
Guys disappear for days then say “wyd” ….no mf what were YOU doing!!
The only time anyone’s ever gotten choked when having sex with me is when they got bored and started eating a sandwich.
Oh, I see you’re an extrovert. Sorry, we can’t be friends. I already have a friend who’s an extrovert. One of you is enough.
“I found a stick… and it comes with a hat!” 😂💛
goldiesglobe
Sweetie, I didn’t mute you. I turned the quality filter on and then all your tweets disappeared.
College Math: Your kid lives in a dorm room the size of a matchbox. When she moves home, her belongings fill every inch of an entire house. How is it possible? Calculator allowed. Show your work.
Someone in my neighborhood is cooking bacon and now I’m wondering if I should have been more friendly to my neighbors for the last 18 years.
haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come me & my friend dale are at the park watching two real estate agents trying to eat a pigeon?
me: [flicking through memory book] aww and this is my first pet, hammy the hamster
gf: you know you could have just taken a photo
Do you think swordfish are down there just jousting each other with their face all day or what