Just got kicked out of Chipotle for knowing what I wanted when I got to the front of the line.
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Women aren’t that complicated. They just want an honest and genuine guy who will give them insincere compliments they might not deserve.
Florist: “Would you like your flowers wrapped?”
Me: “Nope, they’re going right into the shredder before I give them to my sister-in-law.”
My wife and I stood waving to the neighbor for 10 minutes this morning before we realized she was cleaning her windows.
How many beer trucks can you “accidentally” run into before your insurance company becomes suspicious?
We’ve been getting a meal kit service and 9yo has been gamely trying all of it, but the other day it was salmon, which I knew he’d never eat, so I made him chicken fingers from frozen instead. He was like “WOW, is this hello fresh? This is INCREDIBLE.”
me *sees wife’s cheesecake*
future me [sent here to warn me what would happen if I ate it] *knocks on the front door*
me *already eating it*
My new single, “New Single” is available now from my new album, “Available Now”, available now.
Mom can you come get me?
I wished someone happy birthdsy in the group chat and now everyone is saying birthdsy
i hate workimg at the lightbulb factory!! evrey day i hav to thimk of good ideas so they can harvest the lightbulbs that apear abov my head
Me: [first person to scratch my nails against a chalkboard]
Wife: STOP THAT
Me: Why?
Wife: It’s like…
Me: It’s like what
Wife: It’s definitely like something
What’s your standard response when you’re using a public restroom and someone knocks on the door? Because I just knocked on one and the person inside simply KNOCKED BACK. This feels like a game changer.
Oh you love your mom? Name three of her albums
Find someone who looks at you,
I think that’s a pretty good start.
[first day as a cop]
MY PARTNER: oh shit, there’s a body in this house!
ME: yeah frank, there are bodies in all houses, that’s where people live
You had me at Whipped Cream Vodka.
If at first you don’t succeed you will get a lot of advice from people who didn’t succeed either.
Watching the end credits of a movie so you can take note of the producer & director and never ever watch anything else that they make
●︿●
1970s: “Hey baby”
1990s: “Hey babe”
2014: “Hey bae”
2020: “Hey b”
2030: “All hail our glorious squirrel overlords”
“The Godfather” teaches us that:
1. Nothing is more important than family and
2. Our families are always trying to kill us.
If the marriage counselor asks how long since you’ve had sex, she means with your spouse. Learn from my mistakes.
I no longer need Google.
I have a 22 year old in college.
Not only are used coffee grounds a great fertilizer, when shaped and baked they make excellent biscuits for that cunt of a dog next door.
Sometimes I run across a room really fast so a spider sees me out of the corner of its eye and spends the evening worrying where I’ve gone.
One spelling mistake and my wife is all upset. All I wrote was: Having a great time, wish you were her.
Maybe I’ll make you laugh, maybe I’ll sacrifice you to the ancient gods. You don’t know.
For me, it’s not a superfood unless it has a tragic backstory.
I’m pretty much a SAHM now and someone asked me the other day, “so what do you do with all your free time now?” Ummm, I guess I just nap. And after a long nap, I like to squeeze in a short nap. Then the butler arrives & makes dinner while I ride my unicorn around fairyland.
Dr: I’m afraid you’ve got airportitis
Patient: airportitis? I’ve never heard of it. Is it… serious?
Dr: it’s terminal
P:
Dr:
P:
Dr: nah, you’ve just got a cold
P: you’re an awful human being
JUDGE: So to be clear, you’re pleading not guilty to stealing the child’s shoes?
ME: [heelies up to the mic] That’s correct
I have been using teeth whitener, and now they are completely oblivious to the experiences and sufferings of other peoples.