Just got kicked out of Chipotle for knowing what I wanted when I got to the front of the line.
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when you’re broke you really start pondering. like if i didn’t buy that taco in 2018 i would have that $6 rn
House arrest? Some people are so freaking lucky!
Meiosis is still a better love story than Twilight.
My 4yo is singing a song called “it’s Tuesday” and it’s just her singing those two words over and over interspersed with high pitched shrieks and she can’t get in the bath until she’s done and I have no idea when that’ll be. And the worst part of all this? It’s not even Tuesday.
I sexually identify as a cup of ramen noodles. I’m little, cheap, will leave you unsatisfied and i’m the last resort for many people.
Math teacher; suppose you have five friends
Me:
This time last night, there was a spider so big in my bathroom it put me under a glass on a postcard and carried me out.
Whenever I meet a new baby, I stand still and let it come up to me and smell my hand first before I try to pet it
Marriage tip: If your wife says “I didn’t do it” what she means is “You did it”. Accept it and don’t worry that you don’t remember doing it.
Until recently I thought cardi b was a type of sweater.
[creation]
GOD: You each have a gift
WORM: What’s mine?
G: You…spin silk
BEE: How bout me?
G: Uh…make honey
HIPPO: And me?
G: Hm…eat marbles
Remove dead skin by hurling yourself into an active volcano.
Why do people ask “what the hell were you thinking”? Obviously, I was thinking I was gonna get away with it and not have to explain it
But that’s none of my business
My son keeps texting me for tax advice. He’s known for 24 yrs that I have a THEATRE DEGREE. I only act like I file my taxes.
Today I broke up a fight my kids had over whose popsicle was colder. Don’t tell me being a mom isn’t cool.
nothing makes me happier than searching “colon” on twitter and seeing all the people who have misspelled cologne…
Positive I heard an audible gasp from my car as I drove past the wine store
If you don’t answer your kid’s tenth “MOM!”, I will…and what I say will keep them awake for 3 days. Better ask “what?”
I’m opening a funeral home that has a bar in it. I know right?
“Let’s check in with Ted our correspondent in the field.”
Ted: “Hey Bob I’ve been in this field for about an hour, and I’m super bored.”
When your spouse comes to you excited about a toilet seat, it’s best to remind yourself this person will most likely decide when to pull your life support plug someday so you get excited with them about that toilet seat.
Me: Damn dog is under the covers again!
Wife: No she’s not. She’s next to the bed.
Me: Oh.
Wife: …
Me: Might be time to shave your legs.
agenda 4 today:
•shower
•cheerios
•shower-cheerios?
•”hike”
•Photograph a mountain lion
•get mauled by 2nd (hiding) mountain loin
*brings knife to gunfight*
*knife used to cut pizza*
*pizza served & differences resolved*
*last slice up for grabs & gunfight ensues*
“What do you see in him?”
– me to the x-ray tech imaging my kid
do I have to register a drone if I only plan to use it to see where I left a cup of water without getting out of bed?
The conversation w customer service has essentially been
“Hey yall said i violated the terms of service but i genuinely dont know what i did”
“You violated the terms of service :)”
“Aight but whatd i do”
“You violated the terms of service :)”
“Elaborate tho??”
*crickets*
i bring a card table with me where I go for thanksgiving in case the host’s furniture is too heavy to flip